abuse2

takenfromabook
Feb 28, 2017
3 min read

VERBAL ABUSE DISGUISED AS JOKES

It takes a quick mind to come up with ways of disparaging the partner either crassly or with wit and style. It cuts to the quick, touches the most sensitive areas, and leaves the abuser with a look of triumph. This abuse never seems funny because it isn’t funny.

If the partner says “I didn’t think that was funny,” the abuser may, for example, discount our experience by angrily saying, “You just don’t have a sense of humor!” or “You just can’t take a joke!” or they may accuse us of antagonism by angrily saying, “You’re just trying to start an argument.” The brainwashing effects of verbal abuse cannot be overemphasized. An abuser may also startle or frighten their partner, after which he will laugh as if it were a joke.

This is conflict of values, the joke promotes one perspective, while the one that is triggered by it another. the point is ti find out which perspective is the real one. most jokers do so unconsciously .. they dont even know that they are assertive and expressing their value system, which is always good, but its like cutting a wound and leaving it open, if that joke is left in the air, and the details of the concepts are not fully explained / understood by both parties.

Note: Thus there is also the possibility of your perception to be wrong and the joke to reflect reality. You need to investigate on your own and check your arguments, then confront them about it.

BLOCKING AND DIVERTING

Blocking and diverting is a category of verbal abuse which specifically controls interpersonal communication. The verbal abuser refuses to communicate, establishes what can be discussed, or withholds information. They can prevent all possibility of resolving conflicts by blocking and diverting. Blocking may be by direct demand or by switching the topic.

Blocking may also be accusatory; however, its primary purpose is to prevent discussion, end communication, or withhold information. Examples of blocking are:

You’re just trying to have the last word!
You know what I meant!
You think you know it all!
You heard me. I shouldn’t have to repeat myself!
You’re talking out of turn!
I don’t see where this is going! The discussion is ended!
That’s a lot of crap!
Quit giving me all that flack!
Will you get off my back!
Just drop it!
You always have to be right!
Quit yakking!
Did anybody ask you?
Where did you get a crazy/stupid/weird/dumb idea like that?
Who asked for your opinion?
Quit your bitching!

Blocking can also be accomplished through diversionary tactics. For example, in the interaction when the partner asked how the $40,000 was spent, the abuser blocked their attempts to gain information by diverting her from the issue with accusations and irrelevant comments.

Often the partner does not notice that the original topic is no longer the topic. They have been diverted.

Following are examples of blocking by diversion. All may be used to divert the partner from the legitimate question, “What happened to the $40,000?”

What are you worried about! you have plenty to spend!
There’s no way I’m going to go through all those receipts!
It costs money to stay in business so quit harassing me!
I’m not going to try to explain to you how the corporate retirement programs are set up!
Don’t complain to me till you’re earning two hundred thousand a year!
I’ve explained it all to you before, and I’m not going to go through it again!
All you married me for is my money!
Do I have to account for every penny!
How about you accounting for every penny you spend!
You’re always trying to start something!
I’m sick of your complaints!
If you think it’s so simple, then you can do the taxes and I’ll quit work!
Just drop it. I don’t need that kind of hassle!
It’s too complicated for you to understand!

Diverting invites a response from the partner such as, “I’m not complaining, I’m simply asking a question” or “But I don’t know what receipts you’re talking about.” Through diversion the topic is changed. None of the abuser’s diversions answer the partner’s question in a thoughtful and considerate way.

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