abuse1

Level One — Denial and Avoidance

Denial and avoidance are classic abusive behaviors. They’re what the abuser is doing when he/she trivializes and counters his/her partner’s experience in any way.

Trivializing, diverting, discounting, blaming, abusive forgetting, countering, or claiming it was just a joke: these are all behaviors based on denial. They are all dishonest, cowardly behaviors. Why? Because the verbal abuser won’t take responsibility for what he/she just said or did. He/she avoids the issue. - Selfesteem pillar selfresponsibility.

He/she denies the partner’s experience:

• “It was nothing.”

• “It’s your fault.”

• “You’re blowing it out of proportion.”

When countering, he/she denies his/her partner’s perceptions:

• “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion”

• "Let's agree to disagree"

• "I feel this, so it must be true"

• "Stop being so serious"

• "Don't judge me" / "No one is entitled to judge anyone else"

• “That’s not so.”

Or the abuser denies his/her behavior directly:

• “We never had that conversation.”

• “It didn’t happen.”

• “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Abuse at this level is all about maintaining the status quo, not “getting into trouble,” and training the partner to accept more abuse. Denial doesn’t seem as irrational as it does cowardly and irresponsible. In other words, it is explainable. It is motivated by the abuser’s need to deny his/her behavior and his/her partner’s perceptions.

If the partner doesn’t know that this irrational behavior is grounded in irresponsibility and the abuser’s fear of having been found out and called out, the partner may begin to think there is something wrong with him/her. He/she may think, "then maybe I should just ‘take it.’”

The problem with this thinking is he/she suffers more, and the abuser gets no honest feedback from the external world, and possibly no increase in consciousness.

Denial — Or Dissociative Disorder?

Note: An exception to viewing an abuser’s denial of an event as simply denial, would be if he/she had a dissociative disorder. If the abuser really doesn’t recall what just occurred, he/she might have dissociated from him/herself, that is, “spaced out” as some say. The Mayo Clinic website explains that a person with this disorder is someone who “escapes reality in ways that are involuntary and unhealthy. The symptoms of dissociative disorders — ranging from amnesia to alternate identities — usually develop as a reaction to trauma and help keep difficult memories at bay.” There are four major categories of this disorder described online at www.MayoClinic.com.

Level Two — Orders, Threats and Name-Calling

Angry outbursts and name-calling usually begin when the abuser doesn’t get his/her way or his/her expectations met. Abuse at this level is similar to a child’s tantrum. It is common for abusers to not only call names and yell at the top of their lungs, but also to turn red in the face and throw things. Sometimes they also hit people. The abuser seems to have only achieved the emotional development of a two-year-old. The abuser is usually more angry than inexplicably irrational. Although, only he/she may know what he/she is angry about!

The abuser feel that they lost connection (string) to their partner. Feeling disconnected from them, longing for intimacy / mindreading, they express frustration. The causes for loss of intimacy are plenty, but most of the time is just lack of vulnerability on their part, the vulnerability required to ask a few questions and understand where the other persons mind really is.

So its more of a preventive measure, the abuser is anticipating / assuming (per their intuition) right or wrongly that trouble will come, so they are flooded with all those stress hormones and get ready for war.

Orders, threats, and intimidation are a step beyond the tantrum. They are a “my way or you’ll pay” kind of behavior. Orders and threats are two parts of the same behavior and both are intimidating.

Some abusers threaten abandonment or other forms of punishment to get what they want. On the other hand, some keep their partners penniless, and then flash some big bucks when they give orders and so manipulate their partners.

Ordering, threatening abusers demonstrate irrational and scary behavior, but generally, they are a bit more calculating and conscious than they are crazy. And, their partners may see through what they are doing.

These abusers cannot ask nicely for what they want. How can they? If they did, they would be giving their partners the freedom to say, “No.”

At this level of abuse, both partners live in fear. For both, fear is their only companion. Their intimacy is shot, because one is afraid of losing it and acts upon it, while the other is afraid of their actions, not understanding them. Confusion and lack of reason is obvious, and these people need to be taught these concepts. Selfesteem pillar selfconsciousness

Level Three — Attacks That Undermine

Undermining attacks often take the form of accusations. The perpetrators of accusations are not necessarily denying their behavior, having temper tantrums, or demanding to get their way. It seems inexplicable.

This kind of accusing is destructive to the very core of the partner. If the partners of these toxic abusers try to explain their motives and define what actually was going on, they are again attacked with accusations such as, “You always have to win” or “All you care about is winning!”, "You always have to be right", "Just because its right for you it doesn't mean is right for me", "You are so idealistic and naive, anyone could dupe you"

note: If it has been going on throughout the relationship, it is likely to take the form of slandering the partner to the community, to the courts, and/or to the children when the relationship ends.

This behavior is the reaction of an assertive partner trying to criticize (in an unfortunate manner) the value system of their loved one / and to avoid responsibility at the same time while trying to make sense of the world around them. Starting these conflicts, that are not even considered by the majority, during another conflict, really complicates and clogs the whole process. This is an important conflict to have, value systems are after all our core schemas, but the approach needs to be one of vulnerability, and the timing better chosen, or the transition towards it specified. The emotional conflict also needs to be handled, attitude should reflect cooperation, a partner needs not assume they are right and the other is wrong, and even more they need not express this assumption, but investigate it. Selfesteem pillar Vulnerability

Level Four — Withholding

Refusing to respond or to talk to the person with whom one is supposedly in a relationship, is seemingly the most extremely irrational behavior of all forms of verbal abuse. When there is no fight, no argument, and no anger — just a refusal to respond to any question, or to new information, or even some interesting or cheerful comment — and when this silent treatment persists over time, it demonstrates that the perpetrator has no relationship with the partner.

Withholding seems to be the most toxic form of verbal abuse. Confusing, too — often the withholding personality may say, “I love you” even as he/she fails to engage with their partner in any way. Such mixed messages only add to the confusion and loneliness of the partner.

“Why did you want to be with me?” they ask. Most of these abusers carry on open and meaningful conversations with friends. In fact, the partner may find out how their mate’s day has gone and what their plans are only by listening to their conversations with others, or from others. However, some never find out anything at all.

The toxicity of enduring a “relationship” with a person who withholds communication is so great that it leaves the partner depressed, unsure, and often ill. Withholders treat their partners as nonexistent, as if the partners were nothing but ghosts floating through life, meeting their needs.

Withholding is a form of shunning used by some religious groups to punish those who don’t conform. The impact on the partner cannot be overemphasized. The social-emotional deprivation itself can create depression, anxiety, and other mental and physical symptoms just as surely as light deprivation can bring about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

Note : Asperger’s syndrome. The person who withholds, and who also seems uncomfortable in conversations with others, may have Asperger’s syndrome. This is a developmental disorder of unknown cause that affects a person’s ability to relate to others in some way. There are more symptoms as well. If you suspect that your spouse has this disorder, visit www.aspergers.com. Selfesteem pillars selfresponsibility selfassertiveness selfconsciousness.