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Whenever we personally attempt to get an individual we already know to change their behavior, the situation is potentially confrontational and volatile. An attempt at personal persuasion unmistakably tells the target that we disapprove of their current behavior. Any persuasion attempt will likely be perceived as a criticism, putting the target on the defensive.

Because of the importance and the difficulty of an attempt at personal persuasion, the secrets of persuasion are even more important. The lizard inside is still in charge and we need every edge we can get.

Aiming at the Act Rather than the Attitude

Aiming to change an individual’s attitude calls forth intellectual antibodies and those antibodies are made all the more powerful and emotional by the implied disapproval of the target’s current attitude.

If it’s possible to adjust the situation so the desired behavior becomes a more natural, a more expected, an easier option, or the only option, we might change the target’s behavior without confronting their attitude.

If we are concerned about a spouse drinking and driving, we can make sure we get to the event by cab or by public transportation. Drinking and driving is no longer an option. We will still get the outcome we want, but the process is a lot less painful. And, as we know, the target’s behavior change is quite likely to lead to attitudi-nal change without any further intervention on our part.

Without ever appearing to criticize eating habits, you can fill up your spouse with healthy food and thereby lessen his or her consumption of junk food.

Without complaint, you can reduce urination “spillage” on the part of boys of all ages by changing the circumstances. Try placing a fly decal at the proper spot in the toilet bowl. Airports have found that such a target improves aim and reduces “spillage” by as much as 80 percent.

Often, the easiest way to change behavior is to change circumstances. Different circumstances call forth different behavior.

Fulfilling Desires Rather Than Changing Desires

Persuasion in general, and personal persuasion in particular, can’t be about what I, the persuader, want. The only way to persuade anyone of anything is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. Personal persuasion doesn’t involve talking to the target about doing what I want them to do. It is about helping the target find a better way to get something they already want. Persuasion is about fulfilling desires, not changing them. Personal persuasion requires understanding what the target wants and finding a connection between something they want and the behavior I would like to encourage. If I’m not thinking about and talking about what the target wants, my chances of success in persuasion are almost nil.

When we offer adolescent boys the opportunity to benefit financially from energy savings, we not only change the situation, we give ourselves the chance to talk about what the boys want and show them how to get it. We don’t have to change their desires. We can help them fulfill their desires. We no longer have to lecture them about energy costs and we don’t have to hound them about the temperature in their room. Their behavior will change because a change in behavior helps them get what they want.

If the person feels that by changing behavior he or she is bending to my will, I have little chance of success. When I change the situation or when I am able to show the target how to get what they want—fulfilling desires rather than changing desires—I defuse the drama. If the target feels the revised behavior is a response to a new situation or a way to get what he or she desires, the target is persuading themselves.

Personal persuasion is difficult and we will live with the success or failure day in and day out for a long time. Begin by defusing the drama, but don’t stop there. Unearth the reward that might motivate a change in behavior. Focus on what it will feel like to take your recommended option. Enhance the person’s experience by improving their expectation. And tell the target something they would like to hear.

Through it all, employ the language of the lizard. The lizard is as powerful in the person we know as it is in the person we don’t. Because we know the person well, we are tempted to ignore the lizard. We imagine, with our inside knowledge of the target, we can persuade by the power of our arguments. We can’t.

The lizard doesn’t yield to reasoned arguments, no matter how well-crafted.

7 Secrets of Persuasion - James C. Crimmins