Here’s what’s “normal”: adults have sex primarily when they’re tired. This shapes the quality, content, and frequency of the experience. Most adults save their “prime time” for things that are either more important (raising their kids, working after hours, maintaining their health, handling crises) or more reliably satisfying (watching TV, going out, sharing hobbies, playing around on Facebook).Not having much energy is one aspect of “normal sex” that most people don’t want. But many adults seem to believe that most sex will inevitably take place when they’re not at their best, without considering the consequences of this kind of sex life—that it may become routine, not involve much time, lose its playfulness, and that using contraception or a lubricant may seem like too much trouble.If we think of “normal” as common, typical, and accepted as “the way things are,” this is what “normal sex” actually looks like:
• Awkwardness and self-consciousness are common.
• Communication is limited.
• Neither partner laughs or smiles much.
• One or both partners are obsessively concerned about performance.
• One or both are unsure what their partner likes.
• One or both tolerate what they dislike, hoping that it will stop soon.
• Masturbation is kept secret.
• There’s difficulty using birth control without embarrassment or conflict.
• Desire requires a perfect environment.
• Sex is sometimes physically painful.
• He believes that “her orgasm problem reflects on me.”
• She believes that “his erection problem reflects on me.”Also, whether young or old, gay or straight, male or female, when American adults have sex, they frequently:
• Are self-conscious or self-critical about their body
• Don’t feel as close to their partner as they’d like
• Don’t feel confident that they’re going to have a good time (which is why they don’t do it more frequently)
• Are concerned about performance—either their own or their partner’s
• Feel inhibited about communicating what they want, don’t want, feel, or don’t feel
Health problems are also frequently part of “normal” sex—because normal people have health problems.So, are you starting to look pretty “normal”? Are you starting to realize this might not be the right goal?I want to change things for you—and not by improving your “sexual function.” This book isn’t literary Viagra. It’s more like literary brain surgery (sorry, no tummy tuck, boob job, or hair implants, just brain surgery).The awkwardness and emotional isolation described above are what most people get when they try to have “normal” sex. And that’s why your vision of sex matters.
Most Americans categorize sexual activities as either intercourse (“real sex”) or foreplay; anything else is generally considered mere fooling around or flirting—or just plain perverse. The conventional idea is that all sexual activity is supposed to culminate in intercourse, and that it’s usually clear if a kiss or caress is foreplay or not. “Settling” for foreplay if a couple has the option of “real sex” isn’t considered normal.
So interestingly enough, while most people think taking Viagra to deal with erection problems is normal, most people think the same person using a strap-on dildo for the same reason is abnormal. Similarly, many people think a menopausal woman using hormones to increase vaginal lubrication is normal, but many people would consider her abnormal if she was using fantasy or porn for the same purpose.
“Normal” is a recognition that eroticism resides in the unconscious, an untidy little junkyard if ever there was one.
Why Is Focusing on Normality a Problem? The fact is, anxiety about being sexually normal creates emotional isolation. That’s why many people are at their loneliest when they’re making love. For most people, emotional isolation kills genuine sexual desire and pleasure. Focusing on “normal” sexuality makes sex an enterprise with stakes that are too high. At any moment, our preferences, fantasies, or inhibitions can expose us as unacceptable—to ourselves or to our partner. Being “normal” (in other words, not abnormal) becomes more important than feeling pleasure or closeness. Fearing judgment, we don’t do the things we’d do if we didn’t fear being judged (for example, a man asking to have his nipples pulled). And we do things we otherwise wouldn’t (such as intercourse when we’re not ready) if we didn’t imagine that that’s what normal people do. So our yearning to be sexually normal, combined with our anxiety that we aren’t, leads us to keep sexual secrets from our partner. Being authentic appears to involve just too much of a gamble. Neither pleasure nor intimacy can flourish in such an environment. In this setting, a lost erection is a disaster. Difficulty climaxing is a crisis. Farting or wetting the bed is a tragedy.
And not just for one person, but for his or her partner too. Because many people focus not only on their own “function” but on their partner’s too—and they take their partner’s functioning personally. Many people scrutinize their partner’s arousal and orgasm because they don’t want to be judged a failure—a “poor lover.” But how can you relax when your partner is examining your sexual response—not in a joyful, attentive way, but with an eye for signs that he or she has failed?
Sexual Intelligence—based on self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and profound communication—is a better approach to resolving sexual dissatisfaction. If you want to know what’s sexually normal, remember these features:
• Normal is having sex when you’re tired. • Normal is worrying about being sexually normal. • Normal is not talking about being worried about these things. • Normal is feeling emotionally isolated during sex. Surely we can aspire to better than this.
SI