Here’s a bit of sobering news: You wouldn’t notice the faults in someone else if they were not also your faults. If you are honest with yourself, you will find that the things that upset you about others are traits you share or (hopefully) shared with them. You’re just in the unconscious incompetent/competent stage regarding that part of your personality, and relationships with others serve to make you conscious of it.
complaining people will no longer be attracted to us. Therefore, the best way to get others around you to complain less is for you to complain less. Others will sense your positive energy and be less likely to offer negativity.
- note that being vulnerable and sharing your hardship and or asking for help is still positive energy, vulnerability is a virtue, it becomes corrupted when it does not seek resolution, a conclusion.
The first step toward all positive change is acceptance of a person’s current state. Pushing someone to change only causes that person to cling more doggedly to his or her current mode of being.
You may also find yourself experiencing negative and resentful feelings toward rampant complainers.
If your intention is to fight complainers, you will have a much more difficult time than if you first tolerate and accept them.
ask, “What is going well for you?” When your coworker starts to complain, smile and delicately interrupt, asking again, “Yes, but what is going well with …” Or “Yes, but what do you like about …” Or “Yes, but how would you ideally like to see this working out?”
Be persistent, and one of two things will occur: The complainer will either begin to complain less to you or begin to avoid you.
That’s right, your gentle insistence that your interactions be positive, as evidenced by your redirecting questions, will either modify your coworker’s behavior or cause him or her to stay away from you. Just as you may have dreaded seeing this person come your way in the past, when you are diligent in soliciting a positive response, your coworker may begin to equally dread being around you. Either way, you win.
A person who complains to blame the world and other people for his or her life is being lame; that person feels powerless to make things better. This type of person will reject any suggestion you offer as to how things might be improved. He or she does not want your suggestions, but rather your concurrence that he or she is an impotent, helpless victim.
When a person says, “It can’t be done,” your response should be “If it was possible, how might you do it?”
This can open the complainer’s mind to considering possibilities where once that person saw only limitations. He or she will begin to think of ways of accomplishing the task and shift focus to making it happen. If asking, “If this was possible, how might you do it?” does not shift the person away from his or her “Yes, buts,” simply say, “I have faith in your ability to figure out a way to accomplish this.” Then, with every complaining justification as to how impossible the task is, simply repeat, “I have faith in your ability to figure out a way to accomplish this.”