Part of us that gets a rush from hearing bad news or from being in a confrontation with someone. Uncomfortable as these conditions may be, they are nonetheless stimulating, and some people are addicted to this negativity. It’s like a drug they can’t do without.
There is a term for this: pain addiction. When you experience pain, either real or imagined, your body squirts a shot of endorphins into your bloodstream. Endorphins are endogenous morphine, a powerful narcotic that is produced by your body’s natural apothecary. This anesthetic is released when you experience pain, and complaining ignites emotional pain.
It goes like this: complaining triggers pain, pain triggers endorphins, and endorphins get you high. You probably don’t notice this elevated state any more than a heavy coffee drinker notices a caffeine rush, but just as the coffee drinker trying to kick caffeine will experience withdrawal, so, too, will the person giving up complaining.
In 1967 a study was done with rhesus monkeys that reflects this tendency in humans. A single toy was placed in a cage of rhesus monkeys, and whenever one of them approached the toy, that monkey was punished (exactly how it was punished is not disclosed). When a new monkey, one that had not been punished for pursuing the toy, was placed in the cage, the other monkeys attacked it whenever it went for the toy. The monkeys not participating in the attack jumped about arching their backs and acting aggressively.
Friends, family, coworkers, even acquaintances are threatened when we try and break out of the pack, when we go for a toy such as a better life. Although you are attempting to do something in your best interest, many will attempt to thwart your efforts. Ironically, once you have become a happier person these same individuals will come to you wanting to know your secret. At this point, just smile and hand them a purple bracelet.
One of the great myths about complaining is that people feel that they must complain to get others to change. You have never complained anyone, including yourself, into positive change. Rather, when you complain to someone, you define that person as one who engages in the behavior you are complaining about, and they are more, not less, likely to repeat it.
When you say, “You always leave your socks on the floor,” the other person will continue to drop his or her socks on the floor. It’s like a Star Wars Jedi mind trick. Your comment registers in the other person’s psyche, defining him or her as someone who deposits dirty socks on the floor, and that perpetuates the behavior. It is far better to ask the other person for what you want and then praise him or her (without sarcasm) when the person begins to act even remotely as you would like.
Your words indicate, reinforce, and perpetuate your thoughts. So when you complain, you are actually repelling what you profess to want. Griping pushes away from you things that you say you would like to have.
Practice healthy communication skills. It is not complaining to speak directly and only to the person who can resolve an issue.
This seems obvious, but it is not the norm for most people. When most people are unhappy with their boss, they complain to their spouse. When they are displeased with their spouse, they complain to their friends. They speak to anyone and everyone except the person who can actually improve the situation, and they live in disappointment and bewilderment, wondering why their relationships don’t improve.
Relationships serve two purposes: 1. Fun 2. Growth The fun is the pleasure we derive from our association with the other person. When we are with someone for a prolonged period of time, old stuff will come up. The growth comes from the relationship calling up unhealed issues.
Rather than dealing with issues by talking them out with the person involved, most people blame the other person and complain to friends to validate their being a victim. In reality, the relationship is placing the issue squarely before their eyes so they can work through it once and for all.