People often complain to inspire envy; that is: to brag. A person will complain about someone else as a means of saying that he or she does not have the perceived character flaw being complained about. “My boss is so stupid” is a backhanded way of saying “I’m smarter than my boss, and if I was in charge, things would be better.” “My husband is a slob” is the complainer bragging that she is neat. “She drives like a maniac” translates to “I am a safe and courteous driver.”
This is unconscious on the part of the complainer. And your task is to help that person shift away from this need to magnify himself or herself with negative comparisons. People complaining to inspire envy are actually trying to get you to appreciate them. They feel empty and attack someone else as a means of making themselves look better.
Gossip is speaking negatively about someone who is not present. I’m not saying you can’t talk about other people. What I’m suggesting is that you: 1. Talk only about the positive traits of those who are absent 2. Say the same things and with the same inflection that you would say if the person was present
The way to shift this type of complainer is really quite simple. When someone begins to complain about a negative attribute that person perceives another person to possess, compliment the complainer on having the opposite trait. If, for example, someone says, “He gets angry at the least little thing,” your response might be “One of the things I admire about you is your ability to stay calm in difficult situations.” “She dresses like a homeless person,” someone might complain. “You always dress so well. I’m proud to be seen with you,” you say. “She is backbiting and mean,” the complainer may gripe. “You always treat people so well. Have I told you how much I appreciate that about you?”
Don’t explain why you are doing this; to do so would negate the power of this technique. Instead, listen for the core idea behind the complaint and compliment the complainer for being the polar opposite.
When something happens, you can let it pass, work it out, or go to war. Complaining is often recruiting soldiers to fight on your side. Complaining can be a means of building support against a rival should a power struggle arise. You will see people complaining to garner power in corporations, churches, families, civic groups, homeowners’ associations—anywhere and everywhere people gather into groups. One person covets a position of authority and complains about his or her competitors in order to purchase other people’s loyalty. A person complaining for power is saying, “If it ever comes down to me against him, here are the reasons you should be on my side.”
When a child complains to you about a sibling, a person at work complains about a boss or fellow employee, a member of your homeowners’ association complains about another member, or others complain to you in an attempt to sway you to support their position, the best thing to do is to invite that person to go and speak directly to the person being complained about. “But I have,” the person will probably say, “and it hasn’t done any good.” When someone complains to you about someone else in order to gain Power, invite that person to speak directly to the person being complained about. “Then it sounds like the two of you have more to talk about,” you say. Step aside and don’t get involved. When two gorillas are fighting, it’s best to stay out of the jungle. Refuse to take sides. A person complaining to purchase your loyalty will cease when he or she realizes that your loyalty is not for sale.
When someone complains to Excuse poor performance, ask what he or she plans to do differently next time.
When you are faced with a person complaining to excuse his or her poor performance, know that attempting to point out that person’s culpability in what transpired is futile. So too is trying to point out any advantages the person had and/or missed. What has happened has already happened and cannot be changed. The best thing you can do to help the person shift focus and stop complaining is to ask what he or she plans to do the next time.
“The sun was in my eyes.”“What can you do next time to be prepared in case the sun is in your eyes again?”
“The air was dry, my throat was sore, and so I couldn’t sing as well as I would have liked.”“Sometimes you’ll be singing where the air is dry. What can you do to be ready?”
“You didn’t wake me up.”“Sometimes I might forget. What can you do to make sure you get out of bed on your own if I don’t remember?”
“He didn’t have the part ready, so I couldn’t get my work done.”“If that happens again, what can you do to make sure the task gets completed anyway or, at least, make certain that those who need to know will be informed ahead of time?”