“The measure of mental health is the disposition to find good everywhere.” —RALPH WALDO EMERSON

young monk entered an order that mandated total silence. At his discretion, the abbot could allow any monk to speak. It was nearly five years before the abbot approached the novice and said, “You may now speak two words.” Choosing his words carefully, the monk said, “Hard bed.” With genuine concern the abbot said, “I’m sorry your bed isn’t comfortable. We’ll see if we can get you another one.” Another half decade passed before the abbot came to the young monk and said, “You may say two more words.” After a few moments’ deliberation, the monk said softly, “Cold food.” “We’ll see what we can do,” replied the abbot. On the monk’s fifteenth anniversary, the abbot allowed the monk to speak two words as before.

“I quit,” said the monk. “It’s probably for the best,” replied the abbot with a shrug. “You’ve done nothing but gripe since you got here.”

Like the young monk, you probably had not realized how often you complain, but by now you are awakening to the truth about yourself. We’ve all experienced sitting, leaning, or lying on an arm or leg for a period of time and having it “fall asleep.” When we shift our weight and the blood rushes back into the limb, it tingles. Sometimes the tingle is uncomfortable, even painful. The same is true when you begin to wake up to your complaining nature. If you’re like most people, realizing how often you complain can be shocking.

Stick with it when you crave the opportunity to paint yourself as a victim and gain sympathy from others.

For years I juggled at my daughter’s school functions and other events, but I always decline invitations to juggle at talent shows. Juggling is not a talent; it’s a skill. A talent can be cultivated and nurtured to full expression. A skill is something most people can learn if they are willing to invest enough time. When I juggle, people will often say, “I wish I could do that.” “You can,” I respond. “Just put in the time.” “No,” they often say, “I’m not coordinated enough.” This comment removes them from the responsibility of trying and putting forth the effort to become proficient at a skill I’m convinced nearly anyone can master. many people say the same thing: “I wish I could do that, but I can’t.”

A person must simply put forth the effort a little at a time, and soon they will have something amazing. I’ve taught several people to juggle, and I always begin by handing them one of the non-rolling bags with an instruction to drop the bag on the floor. “Now pick it up,” I say. My students do. “Now drop it again.” Again, they comply. “Good! Now pick it up.” “Drop it.” “Pick it up.” “Drop it.” “Pick it up.” We’ll go through this many times until the person begins to tire of the whole exercise and asks, “What does this have to do with learning to juggle? “Everything,” I say. “If you want to learn to juggle, you have to be prepared to drop the balls and pick them up thousands of times. But if you stay with it,” I assure the student, “you can juggle.”

Just keep picking up the balls. Pick them up and start over even when you’re tired and frustrated. Pick them up when people laugh at you. Pick them up when it seems like you juggled for a shorter time than the last time you dropped them. Just keep picking them up. Every time I’ve mastered a new juggling maneuver, it’s been back to dropping and picking up again.

You may question whether what you say is a complaint or a statement of fact. Remember the difference between a complaint and a statement of fact is the energy you put into your comment. According to Dr. Robin Kowalski, “Whether or not the particular statement reflects a complaint … depends on whether the speaker is experiencing an internal dissatisfaction.” The words in a complaint and a noncomplaint can be identical; what distinguishes the two is your meaning, your energy behind them. The Conscious Incompetent stage is all about becoming aware of what you say and, more important, the energy behind what you’re saying.

Complaining may benefit us in many ways, such as gaining sympathy and attention—it may even gain us a radio audience—but being happy is not a benefit derived from complaining.

And you deserve to be happy, to have the material possessions you want, to have friendships and relationships that fill your heart and satisfy your desires. You deserve to be healthy and to have a career you enjoy.Take this in: Anything you desire, you deserve.

If you are saying things like “Men are commitment-phobic,” “Everyone in my family is fat,” “I’m not coordinated,” or “My high school guidance counselor told me I’d never amount to anything,” you are making yourself a victim. Victims don’t become victors. And you get to choose which you will be.

Please know that I understand you may have had some unfortunate and painful things happen to you. Many of us have. You can tell the story about these events forever, be “right” about what happened, and let this be an excuse that limits you your entire life. Or you can remember the slingshot. What determines how far a stone will fly from a slingshot? The answer is: how far back you’ve pulled the band. If you study the lives of successful people, you will find that their success occurred not in spite of their life challenges but often because of them. They stopped telling everyone how much they were wronged and began to seek ways of turning the manure of their lives into fertilizer for their growth and success.

When something traumatic happens in our lives, we have a choice to let it defeat us or to let it complete us. It can be a fire that consumes us or a fire that refines us.