In any situation if there is a lack of awareness, presence, or generosity; if there is any lack of real value to people; or if there is any lack of character or consistency on your part, you will not do great.
You need to make the other person “larger” than you. Not substantially—you don’t need to make yourself undeserving or small—but you do need to think about making the person you’re trying to influence feel great and important. You want to make his wants, needs, and desires, the context in which he is living life, just as important as yours, or even a little more important. In short, you have to be hyperaware of his reality. The more that you are aware of his world, the greater the level of influence you will have with him.
All people have both intrinsic and extrinsic motivations.
Intrinsic motivations are the things that we want to do because we find them personally engaging, fulfilling, and joyous. These are the things that stretch as they allow us to grow. These are the things I call passion or personal development. We do these things because we like them and are passionate about them or because they stretch us and make us better people. These are things that we do simply because they feel good intrinsically, internally.
Extrinsic motivations are typically things we do for external reasons. These are the things that we want to do because we want money, status, power, influence over other people, accomplishment, and acknowledgment, essentially all those things that are affiliated with feeling as though we belong in the world. These are the motivations we have because we need the acceptance, adoration, and love of other people.
think about the other person. Think about what he or she might want from the situation. Consider the intrinsic reasons they are doing this. We often think that we’re fighting about content, that we’re fighting only about extrinsic things, but most of the time this is not the case.
Consider this example. You have a friend who is consistently late for everything, whether you are meeting him for lunch, a round at the golf course, or a game of poker. You get frustrated and angry with him about it, but is it really because he is always late that you are so angry? Is it really the extrinsic problem that gets you worked up?
No. What really upsets you about the situation is that your friend does not respect you and your time enough to be on time. He doesn’t make the effort to consider that your time is valuable and that he is disrupting your schedule. If your friend was just late once, with a good reason for it, you wouldn’t be angry. Being late is not the real issue. The real reason you are angry is that you are being taken for granted. Your time is being wasted and there is no regard for that.
Most often the external things are not the cause of our arguments. Rather, arguments are usually the result of something intrinsic, something within the relationship. Perhaps you want more respect in the relationship; you want to be acknowledged and appreciated. You want to feel like you are part of the conversation, that you have some say in this conflict. You want to know that you matter to the other person and you are not just taken for granted.
The number one reason most people don’t have influence is because they don’t have clarity about what it is they are trying to influence the other person to do, be, or have. This is the reason why you have to approach every situation for the rest of your life as a professional negotiator, a professional influencer, and a leader. The conflict or opportunity in which you are involved right now is a combination of what they want and what you want in terms of both people’s extrinsic and intrinsic motivations. What is the desired outcome that ultimately will encourage the two of you to move from being individuals that represent isolated situations to those who represent a joint situation?
If others don’t want to work with you, it’s likely because they’re guarding themselves from you because in the past you haven’t provided a consistent demonstration of awareness of them, been present for them, been generous to them, valued them, or proven your character to them. This has not been done at all or not consistently.
When others won’t do something for you, it is because they are protecting themselves. You might think they don’t understand you or what you need, but the same can be said for the reverse situation, that you don’t understand them or what they need. They are protecting themselves. You are indignant and the more you complain, the more you demonstrate your own victimhood. That is what it is. People don’t like to hear it, but it is the truth. When people say they won’t do something with you or for you, it is rare that it’s only because of them. It is because of your relationship. It is because their identity and the desire for a relationship with you are not where you want them to be.
The identity that they have created for themselves is preventing them from working with you. The problem is that you aren’t aware of that identity, haven’t taken the time and effort to discover it, to get to know it. As a result, they will not work with you. The relationship quality isn’t there, because you haven’t done the work or taken the time to build the relationship. At this point, you cannot have the influence over them.
The idea is to discover the core / intimacy in your relationship with others by understanding their I/E, but you have to be clear about your I/E. You have to understand the context of the situation and know what both parties want. It looks basic and we think we understand what people want, but there is a difference between common sense and common practice.
Most people don’t have the level of influence they want, because they don’t know exactly what they want in their own lives, let alone the lives of others.
Do you want more influence with your spouse or your friend or your business colleague. Okay, then you have to ask what it is you want, but you also have to ask what it is they want and how you can meet each other in the middle where both your identities will be honored and respected. Only then will your relationship grow to a higher level, when you sit down and actually think about this or ask these types of questions