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Generosity
The third reason for a lack of influence is the extreme lack of “generosity.” We have a tendency to think that influence is about getting what we want. I want to have influence because I want to get something. From the moment the word “want” comes into play,
scarcity comes into play. I want something from the other person, and if I approach influence from that viewpoint, I will not succeed. People, in general, will guard and protect what they have, while checking over their laundry list of things they want. They don’t want to give anything away and will not be generous. This is one of the biggest reasons we are not more influential—we are not being generous enough with the people with whom we interact.
Now, there are plenty of connotations for the word generous. Generous can mean we are giving our time, money, energy, effort, products, or any of the things we have. Often, generosity can be as simple as giving appreciation. Generosity can be the generosity of spirit that is being patient with people. Most attempts at influencing someone fail due to a lack of patience. To me, patience is part of generosity. Patience is being generous with the need for time to think, to process, and to decide. Offering others patience is being generous with them. Most of the time, a major peace treaty fails because there was an arbitrary political deadline to meet and generous consideration of the time to actually talk over the issue was not provided.
According to my experience, those who are impatient with people never have the level of influence with people they wish they had. Understand that some generosity will make the difference. Your job is to question how you can be more generous with the person you’re trying to influence. How can you be more generous with the group that you’re trying to influence?
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Value
Another reason influence often fails is because of a lack of “value.” We are not providing enough value to other people, and the value we are adding to their lives is not strong and unique enough. Why should I listen to you? Why should I buy from you?
Unfortunately, people tend not to ask themselves, “Is the value I’m offering significant and distinct, and, if not, how can I make the value I’m offering more significant and more distinct?” These are the two important concepts that relate to value: (1) whether it is of significance to people and (2) whether it meets their needs in the context of their current situation in life. In other words, you need to be aware of where others are in life and what their values are. You also need to be able to offer value that is distinct and unique, something that no one else is offering.
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Character
We tend to lack “character” when it counts. The parent who is a tyrant all the time and then suddenly tries to be nice to get what she wants will not achieve the results she wants. The child will say, “No, you are a jerk. I’m not going to listen to you.” That has nothing to do with the particular situation. It has to do with the fact that the child knows what the parent’s character is like over time. The child knows that the integrity or the caring the parent is presenting in that particular situation is false. It is ongoing integrity and caring that builds trust.
No one trusts others who are nice only when they want something. Others might look trustworthy on the surface, but you don’t trust them because they haven’t been a good person in the past. When this happens, their influence is dead.
You have to understand who it is you are presenting to the world. It is important how you show up. Presence is how you show up with people right in the moment, but character is who you are as a person over the long-term.
The people I work with know that if I mess up, I will acknowledge and fix it. However, the number of times or the consequences when I have messed up are small compared to the value I brung. This is important because it demonstrates character. The same goes for you and your character. Are you showing up in the world as a trustworthy, honest, good person? If you are, then people will feel that.
We know that we take too much for granted. The questions are these: How have you demonstrated character to the person or people that you are attempting to influence? How have you demonstrated character to them recently?
Do they know anything about your character? Remember that sometimes demonstrating character requires being explicit about the choices that you make so people understand why you are making good versus bad decisions.
How often have you asked people questions so you can understand what is important to them and in what context they are operating?
How often have you been fully present with them?
How often have you been more generous when you are asking for something in return?
How often have you added tremendous value to something a person needs or wants?
How often have you demonstrated character?
The more you have done these things on a consistent basis, the more they will trust and respect you and the more influence you will have. Life is about consistency. All high performance, all mastery, all ultimate leadership comes down to one word—consistency.
How consistent are you? Consider this. Your health at this moment is a function of how consistently you have been eating good food and exercising.
How can you demonstrate more consistent communication and caring? Because when you communicate more with a person, that builds a closeness, a bond between you, and this bond is power. When you have a stronger bond with people and communicate more with them, you tend to have more influence with them.
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