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Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.

— Lao Tzu

Having an overall plan when we enter conflict resolution provides a sense of direction and can help us avoid a common pitfall. Most students I’ve taught share a counterproductive tendency. They leap to solutions and figure out what should be done before fully understanding either the problem or the other person’s perspective. Some problems are easily solved, but most conflicts are more complicated.

When we focus on symptoms and ignore root causes, we shouldn't be surprised when the conflict resurfaces in some other way. The tendency to get ahead of ourselves also works against us when the other person jumps to a different solution. We get locked into positions before exploring the interests on which solutions should be based. As Stephen Covey counsels in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Diagnose before you prescribe.”

============================================================================================================================The opening few minutes of a conversation are crucial to establishing a positive, collaborative tone that creates a “safe space” for the conflict to exist — one in which each person can share their perspective and voice their concerns.

To help establish this positive climate, we can let the other person know why we are raising an issue (to clear the air, improve the working relationship, build understanding). This step is particularly important where tension exists as a result of our history with the other person. There is a saying, “When there is an elephant in the room, give it a name.” You've likely been in situations where everyone present felt a tension between two people but everyone pretended nothing was wrong. The more such tension is ignored, the more it grows until it is like an elephant in the room, taking up space and causing us to tiptoe around it. The simple act of “naming the elephant” allows it to be discussed and reduces the space and energy it consumes. By clarifying our intention, we can reduce the defensiveness that flows from the other person’s assumption that we are a villain who has come to attack or judge them.

We also can reset the stage and revisit this step whenever we need to defuse emotion or re-establish a collaborative tone. If we fail to create a collaborative atmosphere, suspicion and defensiveness will hamper any subsequent conversation.

This step also ensures we agree with the other person on the confidentiality of the discussion, the length of the meeting, whether we’ll take notes, and the possibility of follow-up meetings if we’re unable to resolve the matter in one meeting.

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In conflict, everyone has their own story.

“First, I want to apol ...”

People need an opportunity to tell their story and need to know it has been heard. We enhance the collaborative climate when each person has a chance to present their perspective without being judged or corrected. Listening does not mean agreement. Our goal is understanding.

“Tell you what — I’ll shut up, you tell me what happened, then I’ll tell you my side. How does that sound?”

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Most people have suffered through meetings without an agenda.

The resulting lack of focus wastes tremendous time and energy as the group jumps from one issue to another without resolving any of them. I’ve heard of people scheduling root canal surgery to avoid such meetings.

Once you’ve heard each other’s story, take a minute to ensure you and the other person fully agree on what you need to discuss and resolve. Sometimes this is straightforward — you may be meeting over a single issue that is clear to each of you. In other cases, there may be several aspects to the problem.

Also, the other person may have issues of which you aren't yet aware (“While we’re at it, I have concerns about xxx”). Even a simple agenda can help to focus the conversation and still leave room for new issues that neither person may have anticipated (“I guess we need to figure out how this will affect us”).There is value in framing a conflict in terms of neutral topics that provide everyone with an opportunity to express their opinions. Keep agenda issues short and simple so they may serve as a framework for the deeper discussion to follow.

You may find it helpful to write down the topics on a whiteboard, flip chart, notepad, or even a restaurant napkin, depending on the circumstances. Having a written agenda reassures each person that topics important to them won’t be forgotten. It also encourages people to focus on their mutual problem rather than to attack each other — a powerful demonstration of “separating the person from the problem.”

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We need to balance curiosity with a willingness to dis-close our own interests, needs, feelings, and perspectives. By both listening and talking, we bring to the surface our full stories, particularly the unmet needs that fueled the conflict.

People frequently shortchange this exploration in their haste to problem solve, but attempts to quick-fix the problem often result in retrenching of positions. A rush toward solution focuses exclusively on the content of the conflict and ignores process and emotions —

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We’re ready to problem solve only when we can summarize the problem in terms of interests and needs.

Sometimes our exploration in the previous step sheds a new light on the problem so that a solution becomes obvious. Other times, brainstorming will create options to which our positions have previously blinded us. We can evaluate these options against the interests and needs uncovered during the exploration phase. (“I don’t see how your suggestion will xxspecificsxx”

The synergy of collaboration often involves taking parts of several ideas and creating a more complete and imaginative solution.

To complete the problem-solving process, we need to make any agreement or understanding explicit. Clarify “who will do what by when.” Without a concrete outcome, we may have just had a “nice” conversation without producing a meaningful change. Clarification also prevents things from slipping between the cracks. Sometimes our next step may be to gather information and meet again. Each time we make and honor a commitment to one another, we build trust.

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