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Describing the difficult behavior

A more productive, approach separates the person from their behavior and focuses on influencing the behavior we find difficult.

Although we cannot control another’s behavior, we have far more power to influence it than we usually give ourselves credit for.

When we characterize someone as a jerk or a grump, they inevitably balk at being labeled. Even the most unpleasant person does not act that way 24/7. Most people will admit to having a bad day or speaking out of turn, but not to being a bad person. Instead of labeling the person as the villain, we can identify the behavior in question, tell them how it impacts us, and ask them for what we need. Often, they were unaware of what they were doing or its impact on us. They may be shocked or even embarrassed by this realization. If we raise the issue in a way that allows them to save face they often will change how they act toward us. Even if the situation is more complicated and they get defensive, we have at least brought the issue to the surface, allowing discussion and, hopefully, resolution. Sometimes the other person may even deny the validity of our concerns in the moment but change how they treat us in the future.

While there are no guarantees that someone else will respond positively to our request, consider the alternative. What message do we send to someone when we don’t say anything about irritating or inappropriate behavior? Outwardly, our silence implies acceptance.

Inwardly, we fume in frustration and judge them. Such judgment seems unfair when we haven’t made them aware of our concerns and given them a chance to present their perspective or even to change their behavior once they know it irritates us. Our silence dooms us to remain the victim — innocent, powerless, and continually frustrated.

Instead of judgment or silence, we can use examples to focus the conversation on specific behavior and its impact on us. When we find ourselves frustrated with another person, we can ask ourselves, “What am I seeing and hearing right now that’s triggering me?”

In some conversations, the other person may persist with unacceptable behavior even after we have acknowledged their concerns and set limits. In such cases we have every right to terminate the conversation. However, where an ongoing relationship is involved, such as with a customer, client, or co-worker, we can do this in a way that invites future conversation. To simply hang up or terminate a meeting would further trigger the other person’s sense of powerlessness and disconnection, reinforcing their role as victim. Such an abrupt response makes it awkward for either person to rekindle communication. But by saying something like “I told you I’m not willing to talk with you triggered and not making any sense. Call me back this afternoon. Good-bye,” we leave the door open to talk again. The subsequent conversation will inevitably be more productive and may even include an apology from the other person once they have descended anger mountain and reflected on their behavior.

First within, then without

Although we cannot change another person, we can change our reaction to them. Our “difficult” people are those whose behavior triggers us. Our sensitivities reflect our previous experiences — the behaviors “trigger” feelings already within us. Since our life experiences vary, so do our triggers; what sets off one person may be admired or appreciated by another. We judge our villain as controlling; others admire them for taking charge. We label someone as arrogant; others see them as confident. The behavior is the same; only our judgment of it differs.

One of the most popular courses I offer is called “Dealing with Difficult People.” Many who attend seek a “silver bullet” — an immediate, painless way to change the people they find difficult.

Once the workshop starts (and the doors are locked, the registration fees collected) I reveal the workshop’s real title: “There Are No Difficult People, Only People I Have Difficulty With.” I explain that we can be responsible only for our own feelings and actions, then jokingly ask if anyone wants a refund. So far there have been no takers — only a few sighs of resignation as people realize there is no easy answer. When we find someone difficult, our reaction says more about us than it does about them.

When we identify the behavior we have difficulty with, we can plan a response. Instead of blindly reacting, we can choose thoughts, words, and actions to influence positive change. Even when the other person’s behavior persists, we still have choices. We may accept the status quo but decide to view the situation differently. We may be able to look beyond the irritating behavior and discover positive qualities in the other person. We may even see our difficult person as a teacher and reflect on the lesson they are unconsciously offering us. To understand and accept ourselves and others is a lifetime’s work. Conflict provides an opportunity to do that work.

The D-E-S statement

One way to formulate our thoughts and present our perspective assertively is through a D-E-S statement (Describe, Express, Specify). The elements of this action-oriented statement communicate our story honestly and accurately without painting ourselves as the victim or the other person as the villain. This approach moves us beyond the drama triangle by focusing on objective behaviors, interests, and needs.

The D stands for describe — to objectively and factually state the words and actions we want to address. By reporting what we heard or saw, we minimize the judgment and generalizations that trigger defensiveness in our listener.

The E in the D-E-S statement refers to the need to express the impact the behavior has had on us. In some cases it might be appropriate to let the other person know how we felt (“I felt embarrassed”). Other times, we might not feel safe or be inclined to share our feelings, in which case we can express our reaction to their behavior (“I shut down when I get yelled at” or “I have a hard time staying focused with these personal attacks”). Such statements help clarify assumptions by letting the other person know how their behavior impacts us. When we take responsibility for our feelings and reactions without blaming the other person, we move ourselves out of the role of victim and often begin to build empathy.

Finally, the S reminds us to specify what we need or prefer (“I’d like to buy better quality produce at the marketplace(instead of cornershop)”). Specifying a need or preference shouldn’t be used as a fancy way to hammer home a position or judgment. “I need you not to be a jerk” remains aggressive. “I need the corner office” doesn’t leave as much room for options as does “I need ample space to meet with my team.” However, when we ask directly for what we need, we shed the role of victim and empower ourselves.

Summary

Assertiveness means expressing our feelings, opinions, and wishes directly and respectfully. It allows us to tell our story in a way that doesn’t cast the other person as the villain.

Assertiveness goes hand in glove with self-esteem. When we speak up for our needs, we are being true to ourselves. When I haven’t spoken up, I usually replay an unpleasant encounter over and over in my mind.

“You” statements label and blame the other person, fostering defensiveness. “I” statements focus on our own experience.

Instead of attributing a problem to the personality flaws of the other person and labeling them as the villain, focus on their behavior — their words and actions.

One way to formulate our thoughts and present our perspective assertively is through a D-E-S statement (Describe, Express, Specify). Tell the other person what you see and hear, how you feel, and what you need.

Balance assertiveness with empathy to allow the other person to tell their story as well.

From theory to practice

Consider a “difficult” person in your life.

• What behaviors make the person difficult for you (be specific and objective)?

• What do you think motivates them to act the way they do (keep in mind that all behavior makes sense)?

• What is the impact of those behaviors on you? How do you react or feel?

• How do you think the other person perceives you? What could you do to alter or correct that perception?

• What do you need from that person to improve communication and work more effectively with them to problem solve?

• What might stop you from asking them directly for what you need?

• What would be the cost of not asking them directly for what you need?

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