If I feel like a victim, you must be the villain. Assumptions weave their way throughout conflict. You may say or do something that triggers me. I feel threatened, excluded, or disrespected and see myself as a victim. To play that role, I require a villain. You, of course, are the likely candidate and I therefore attribute malicious motives to your words and actions. If I feel hurt, you must have intended to hurt me. I judge you as uncaring, inconsiderate, and controlling — unmistakably a villain. You, meanwhile, have your own perspective on these same events. You know your motives to be pure. You become the misunderstood hero — a well-intentioned victim of my unfair judgments. Here we have two very different perspectives on the same event. And seldom the twain shall meet. In conflict, we judge our own actions by our motives. We judge others’ actions by the impact they have on us. To understand how widely divergent perspectives (stories) can coexist, examine the difference between the motive behind someone’s words and actions and the impact of those words and actions. Our motives, we like to think, are always noble, even heroic. Yet when others say or do something, we experience the impact — and, in conflict, feel victimized. Both motive and impact, however, remain unclear, distorted by the murky waters of assumption, judgment, and anger. People often tell me they feel lost and unsure in conflict. They can sense tension and defensiveness, yet are unable to pinpoint or address the cause. Each knows his or her side of the story; neither understands the full story.This situation might change if either person started to shift from judgment to curiosity. Think of the events as the tip of an iceberg, visible to both people. Thoughts and feelings ( motive and impact) lie beneath the surface. We can reduce tension and clarify assumptions in two ways: • Ask the other person what they intended by what they did or said; tell them the thinking behind our action • Tell the other person how events impacted us; ask them how they were impacted by events From theory to practice Consider a conflict in your life and ask yourself the following questions: • What assumptions am I making about the other person and their motives? • How could I check out those assumptions? • What assumptions might the other person be making about me and my motives? Why might they be seeing me as the villain? • How might I clarify my motives and intention? Most people are more comfortable dealing with the facts of a conflict than with the emotional element. Our impulse is to identify and solve the problem as quickly as possible. In our haste, however, we seldom take time to examine how we are approaching the problem and often minimize the impact of emotion. I believe we can all be exceptionally creative problem solvers —when we choose to be. Yet this strength also can be a weakness if, in our fixation on solving the problem, we fail to first build a foundation of respect and communication. Without that foundation, the other person will continue to see themselves as the victim and us as the villain, and molehills will seem like mountains. Even if we personally strive to solve the problem, we may find ourselves alone in that pursuit if respect and communication are lacking. Respecting process needs The process refers to how we treat each other in conflict. Our need to feel respected is fundamental. When we feel disrespected, we see ourselves as the victim and cannot help but view those who disrespect us as the villain. And when we view the other as the villain, we are unlikely to trust or cooperate with them. Conversely, if the other person does not feel respected by us, they will see us as the villain. TO BE HEARD AND UNDERSTOOD The simplest way to show another person respect is to listen to them — to hear their story without interrupting or judging. When someone genuinely listens and attempts to understand our situation or perspective, it is hard to continue to see them as a villain. After all, villains are selfish and uncaring and are not the sort to show concern for someone else. Listening to another person is a powerful way to move beyond victims and villains toward cooperation. We don’t see the other person as the villain because they disagree with us; we see them as the villain because of how they treat us. “Why the heck should I spend my precious time and energy listening to the boneheads I’m in conflict with? If they had any sense in the first place, they would have seen that I’m right and there wouldn’t even be a conflict. If anyone should be listening, they should.” And you may be right, although when both people adopt this approach there will be a whole lot of talking and very little listening going on. There are several benefits to adopting a listen first, talk second approach.
Confrontational conversations are like a game of ping-pong, marked by a series of “yes, buts” as one person immediately rebuts the other’s points. First of all, listening to another can win us a hearing from them. In some “conversations” one person talks until they have to pause for breath, which allows the other person to jump in and contradict them. The first person to breathe loses! People seldom will let go of their positions and consider a different perspective until they feel heard and understood. As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Second, listening defuses anger in another person. You may have heard the saying that “they’re not yelling at me, they’re yelling for themselves.” People in conflict often speak aggressively to ensure the other person understands the importance of the points they are trying to make. When we listen instead of reacting, the other person can tell their story without interruption. As they do so, they blow off steam and may even begin to see us differently. After all, villains are uncaring and controlling. When we demonstrate a contradictory quality, such as empathy, we encourage the other person to see us as someone they can work with. Finally, listening broadens our perspective on the problem. We can learn what motivates the other person, what underlies their resistance or frustration. New information may create previously unseen possibilities. There is a reason effective negotiators and sales-people do more listening than talking.
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