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TO HAVE OPTIONS AND CHOICES

People resent being forced to do anything. Autonomy is a fundamental human need. When a decision is forced upon us, we often resist it not so much because we disagree with the decision as because we had no say in it. When we are presented with choices, we feel a sense of power (however limited) and are more likely to accept the final outcome.

Providing choices is a particularly effective strategy in situations when some aspect of the problem is non-negotiable.

When my daughter was two years old, bedtime was a struggle. My wife and I were not willing to negotiate bedtime each night, and 8:00 became a given. One night, this normally cooperative (and, from a father’s perspective, angelic) child decided to test her independence and declared, “I’m not going.” After several unsuccessful attempts to reason with her, I called upon the parenting tips I had received and provided her with a choice. The choice was not around the “if,” but around the “how.” I asked her whether she would like to walk to her room on her own or whether she wanted me to give her a ride. She obviously hadn’t read the same parenting books I had, for she stuck out her bottom lip and reiterated, “I’m not going.” I drew a deep breath, struggled to stay in my “happy place,” and said, “Sounds like you don’t want to walk. Why don’t I give you a ride?” With that I picked her up. Fortunately, I held her at arm’s length and managed to avoid a very personal injury from her predictable flailing as she demanded I put her down. I did so, stepped back, and observed, “You want to walk to your room on your own — that’s fine.” At that, she glared at me, puffed up her chest like a bantam rooster, and defiantly strutted down the hall to her bedroom, muttering, “I’ll — walk — by — my — self.” Within a minute she was in her bedroom, feeling she had won a victory.

Even when the choice may seem obvious, the subtle sense of autonomy that comes with a choice allows a person to save face and often defuses resistance. Villains control and deprive. When someone provides us with a choice, we are less likely to view them as the villain and more likely to work with them on the problem.

TO BE GIVEN REASONS

Nothing shuts down communication like the brick wall of a position.

When people are confronted by a position, they tend to respond in kind. Flexibility and creativity fall by the wayside. This is especially true when rules and regulations are involved — the “givens” discussed above. Phrases like “because it’s stupid” or “that’s just the way it is” trigger feelings of powerlessness that fuel frustration and anger.

Even when a policy is not up for negotiation, it is helpful to spend some time outlining the reasoning behind the policy and discussing what it is intended to achieve. By focusing on the spirit rather than the letter of the law, we may be able to provide ways for the other person to achieve their goals within the policy.

Positions trap us on the drama triangle. Someone who tells us “the way it should be” and ignores our interests exhibits the control we associate with the role of the villain. As we push back, they likely experience us in the same way. Emphasizing reasons encourages a flexibility that moves us beyond the right and wrong that characterize the drama triangle.

TO BE TREATED FAIRLY

Nothing casts us in the role of victim as quickly as the perception of unfair treatment. As children, we may complain that our sibling has more raisins in their rice pudding. And those who treat us unfairly must be villains.

Of course, fairness, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. Almost everyone in conflict claims they want only what is fair and will then spend hours arguing about whose idea of fairness is right.

Stabilizing the emotion

Unmanaged emotion blinds us to reason and shuts down communication. Most often, anger and frustration stem from the process leg of conflict because the perception of disrespect is so immediate.

With the other person literally in our face, we may not have the opportunity to take a breath and manage ourselves.

Other times, the problem itself is emotionally charged, as in discussions about children or a core value. Still other times, anger may be unrelated to either the problem or the process. People may bring their “baggage” to a situation. Because we never can know their full story, all we experience is their overreaction to a simple issue or an innocuous comment.

Anger or frustration, regardless of the cause, hinders both discussion and resolution. When we are angry, we don’t listen. (Well, we might listen just enough to make the other person wrong.) We seldom articulate our point of view effectively. (Yelling “Now you just listen to me for one minute” does not qualify.) And problem solving seldom progresses beyond suggesting that the target of our anger knows what they can do with their idea.

Emotion is the most likely place to find the source of resistance. If we fail to manage our own emotion, we will find it difficult to respect the other person and can easily act like a villain. If we do not defuse the other person’s emotion, we can expect a long and uphill battle.

Generally, people who are angry need time and space — a chance to vent, tell their story, and blow off steam. You could view this as letting the air out of a balloon. We also can defuse a person’s emotion by demonstrating understanding . Although we may be more comfortable focusing on facts, we won’t get very far until we have stabilized emotion.

When you encounter resistance, refrain from the urge to push harder against the problem itself.

Instead, take a moment to step back and check each of the three legs of conflict. Start by taking the emotional temperature — your own and the other person’s. Then assess whether each of you feels heard and respected in the conversation. Once you’ve stabilized those legs, then apply your efforts to the problem itself.

Often, taking a moment to summarize your understanding of the other person’s perspective can work wonders to break a deadlock and open communication.

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