c4 - anger

the sage always confronts difficulties, he never experiences them.

Lao Tzu

Anger and conflict go hand in hand. Unmanaged emotion will block communication and prevent resolution. Anger is simply energy. It is a catalyst — a call to action.

Our choice lies in how we answer that call.

When something or someone triggers our anger, we impulsively protect ourselves through a response of fight or flight. If we choose to fight, we play the role of a hero who protects the innocent (usually ourselves) and confronts the evildoer. Our anger, however, can push us over the fine line between hero and villain. A self-righteous attitude that “they have it coming” drives us to punish the other person. We can easily find ourselves engaging in behaviors normally associated with the villain role: personal attacks, threats, yelling, and inappropriate use of the middle finger.

Anger also motivates other people to behave in ways we find objectionable. Yet, flushed with righteousness, they are convinced they are the hero and their actions are justified. It’s easy to see how we can fall into the pattern of attack and counterattack that characterizes confrontation. This chapter both explains how anger leads to confrontation and provides ways to respond productively to anger.

Responses to anger

When confronted with a threat, most creatures rely on one of three methods of survival: fight, flight, or freeze. Human beings are no different.

In the face of a physical threat or survival situation, these reactions are not only appropriate — they are essential. Fortunately, we seldom find ourselves physically threatened or battling for survival. The organizational and family jungles we inhabit are more likely to present psychological threats and verbal attacks. Regrettably, we do not instinctively differentiate between physical threats, where fight or flight is necessary, and psychological ones, in which those same impulses are counterproductive.

If someone insults or slights us during a meeting, for example, we might respond in kind by insulting or even threatening them. The resulting escalation diverts us from the issue at hand. Conversely, if we succumb to our flight response we might leave the meeting or, more typically, if we freeze we may stay and shut down (“Whatever”). By choosing a flight or a freeze response, we condone the other person’s inappropriate behavior and will be treated the way we allow them to treat us. Additionally, whatever issue sparked the attack likely will fester. Such avoidance often leads to passive-aggressive behavior such as gossip or sabotage. In short, what may be an appropriate response to a physical threat is unlikely to be helpful in the face of a verbal or psychological attack. To collaborate, we must develop other responses.

In general terms, a perceived threat initiates a survival reaction in our body, at the expense of our ability to reason and communicate.

WE GET TRIGGERED

A trigger is a perceived threat or attack. It may be a physical threat, but more likely it will be a verbal or psychological one. Sometimes it may be a single remark or event; The words and behaviors that set us off usually are linked to previous experience — they “trigger” feelings that already exist within us. Triggers may be external (a look, a word, or an action) or internal (what we think about or tell ourselves). Consider how often we replay incidents in our mind or retell a story in which we were wronged. Each time we relive the event, we re-experience the emotions attached to it (“Just thinking about it makes me angry”).

Here are some behaviors, comments, and thoughts that are triggering during a meeting:

• a glare from someone (external)

• a threat by someone that “something will change” (external)

• recalling previous lack of support (internal)

• recalling an action that had negative consequences (internal)

• being told to “send me an email” (external)

• revisiting the problems currently present burdening efficiency (internal)

• someone describing actions that resemble his course of action as “stupidity” (external)

99% of us are in no state to recognize these specific triggers or choose how to respond to them. Instead, we react emotionally to each, accelerating the ascent of anger until, we are fully in crisis stage.

During the escalation phase the body readies itself for action as adrenaline and other energizing chemicals are released into the blood. Physically, breathing becomes rapid and shallow, the heart pounds, blood pressure increases, and muscles tense (especially in the jaw, shoulders, hands, chest, and throat). As a result of this muscle tightness, the voice becomes strained and higher pitched. These physical indicators also can warn us when another person is becoming angry.

During this phase we retain some ability to think and reason, though not for long. As anger escalates, voice begins to rise, facial muscles tighten, and eyes widen. This is when we began to shift from reason to personal attacks.

In certain situations, escalation can progress to crisis,This stage is characterized by an overwhelming rush of adrenaline that demands “fight” or “flight.” We become so focused on our adversary that we develop tunnel vision and are unable to hear. Our ability to think, reason, and communicate is minimal.

During the recovery stage, the adrenaline and other chemicals dissipate and oxygen begins to find its way to our forebrain. The rate at which people recover depends on their physiological and psychological makeup as well as the intensity of their response to the situation.

Some people may recover within minutes, while others may take hours to let go of their anger and its symptoms. This difference explains why people will not always respond immediately to our best efforts to defuse them. A truck careening down a hill takes time to stop, even when the brakes are applied. The time it takes to stop will depend on the size of the truck, the slope of the hill, and the condition of the road. Similarly, the degree of anger, a person’s makeup, and the environment all contribute to the time it takes someone to calm down. When attempting to defuse someone else’s anger, be patient and hang in there, even if your efforts don’t produce immediate results.

All these are muscles, the more we work them, the stronger they get, and we change from the person who takes days to recover.. to someone able to see through the emotional fog, analyze it, and slowly as perspective is gained, the emotions switch, allowing new opportunity.

POST-CRISIS GUILT AND DEPRESSION

What goes up must come down, and in the post-crisis stage the heart rate drops below normal as the body reacts to the earlier chemical rush. As reason returns, we reflect on our actions. In escalation and crisis, we see the other person as an unequivocal villain, deserving of everything we can throw at them. In post-crisis, we examine our own behavior and often feel guilty or even depressed about the way we reacted. These feelings can cause us to avoid the other person or refrain from revisiting the issue. Issues get buried, only to be retriggered in the future. Alternatively, our desire to soothe our guilt may spur us to unconditionally surrender, only to subsequently chafe under an unfair agreement.

Summary

We react instinctively to a perceived attack with a fight, flight, or freeze response. A fight response places us as either a hero or a villain while a flight or freeze response the role of victim.

By knowing ourselves and our triggers, we can develop strategies to respond effectively.

As our bodies ramp up for fight or flight, our ability to communicate and reason declines. Similarly, when someone else is angry, they will be unable to rationally problem solve with us. Remember to defuse the anger before delving into the problem at hand.

The more tools you have to defuse someone else’s anger, the better. Here are some basic ones:

• Give them their “one minute”

• Create speed bumps

• Show empathy

• Validate their experience

• Paraphrase key concerns

• Ask open-ended questions

• Reframe to focus on their unmet needs

• Summarize the big picture

From theory to practice

Watch for signs of anger in others throughout your day. When you observe someone who is angry, ask yourself:

• What triggered them? What threat or attack might they have perceived?

• How did others respond to their anger?

• What did others do that helped defuse their anger?

• What did others do that didn’t help or even made them angrier?

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