Strategies to defuse others’ anger
Anger often occurs in situations in which people feel confused, powerless, or discounted. These feelings often describe people’s experiences in dealing with bureaucracy: confused by red tape, powerless and discounted in the face of “the system.” To defuse someone’s anger, we can create an environment that provides them with a sense of clarity, choice, and connection.
Defusing anger is as much an art as a science. Basic principles and tools certainly apply, though people respond differently. The more tools in our toolbox, the better. Don’t worry if one approach doesn’t seem to work; simply try another. Any effort will at least convey, at some level, your intent to understand the other person’s story and work with them. Your effort begins to erode their view of you as the villain, for villains are selfish and inconsiderate, not empathetic. Over time, we can influence how others see us in conflict.
The following strategies to defuse anger start with those most likely to work with someone at their angriest. In the crisis stage, for example, a person is unable to hear or comprehend more than a basic idea or single word. As they start to descend anger mountain, we can then begin to use strategies that require them to think and communicate (such as an open-ended question).
Because anger is physiological, don’t expect someone to respond immediately to your attempts to defuse it. Their anger is a wave of energy, so find ways to connect with them as they ride out the wave.
This will take time and may require you to use many tools before the person is able to communicate effectively.
GIVE THEM THEIR “ONE MINUTE”
The term “giving someone their one minute” was coined by Danaan Parry, author of Warriors of the Heart and founder of the Earthstewards Network. “Giving them their one minute” means listening to someone with genuine curiosity, putting our own story and judgments temporarily aside to allow us to listen deeply. This is a powerful concept in defusing anger, for sometimes what we don’t do is more important than what we do. In attempting to connect with the angry person, we may only trigger them further, especially if we interrupt them to justify or defend ourselves. As instinctive as this may feel, it serves only to fuel their anger because we are competing with their story. Such interruptions often prompt the other person to tell their story over again, only more loudly to ensure we get the point.
Nonverbal communication can be key in the beginning.
Someone who is angry will respond more to body language and tone of voice than to words. Facing them will show concern and attention. Stand at an angle, however, so as not to be perceived as challenging them head-on. Avoid crossing your arms or placing your hands on your hips, as these gestures may imply that you are closed to their perspective. We can demonstrate concern and attention through eye contact and nodding. (Make sure your eyes are open when you nod.)
As with any conflict strategy, we need to continually assess the effectiveness of our silence. Often, the other person will “run out of steam” and begin to express themselves more calmly. In other cases, however, they may interpret our silence as indifference and become even more animated in an attempt to make their point. We also need to remain aware of the impact of their anger on us. As we listen, we may need to set limits to ensure we are not personally abused as they vent: “I can see you’re angry. I’m not willing to be sworn at. Tell me your concerns without the swearing.” Or “Cool it with the personal attacks. Give me exactly what happened.” this is how we can stand up for ourselves assertively.
CREATE SPEED BUMPS
Speed bumps are short interjections intended both to connect with the speaker and to break their momentum. An angry person who gets no reaction may feel unacknowledged and repeat themselves even more loudly. Paradoxically, although they require acknowledgment, they are neither able nor inclined to listen to us for more than a second or two.
People often respond to hearing their name repeated several times. This simple act of recognition can gain us a moment or two as we attempt to focus the conversation on their specific concerns.
Alternatively, restating key words in their diatribe also serves to slow their pace and encourages them to elaborate on their concerns. This tool is especially valuable when someone is getting wound up and approaching their crisis point. In that state, they respond as much to the tone of our voice as to our words. Unless we match their intensity (though not necessarily their volume), they are unlikely to respond.
SUMMARIZE THE BIG PICTURE
A summary pulls together our understanding of the other person’s story. It can help us determine whether the other person feels sufficiently understood to give us a hearing and work together on the problem. A summary focuses on the highlights of their story and invites the other person to clarify anything we might have missed. It is a good way to take the emotional temperature. Their response will let us assess whether they would be willing to listen to our perspective or consider possible solutions.
ASK OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS
Open-ended questions, invite people to express their concerns instead of raging. However, people must have enough oxygen available to their forebrain to be able to formulate a coherent answer. If you ask someone who is atop anger mountain, “What’s the problem?” their answer is unlikely to be either helpful or pretty.
Questions that help you trace the person’s story back to their trigger are invaluable in this context. “What specifically is the problem with ...?” or “When is this most problematic for you?” or simply “What happened?”
VALIDATE THEIR EXPERIENCE
Empathy focuses on the other person’s feelings; validation focuses on a more universal experience. Validation acknowledges that a person’s anger is normal and understandable in the circumstances. This focus can reduce the other person’s feelings of disconnection and demonstrate our understanding of their situation.
PARAPHRASE KEY CONCERNS
A paraphrase reflects a speaker’s key words and attempts to capture the gist of their story. This tool is particularly useful when someone is in the foothills of anger mountain and is willing to let you try to clarify what you heard. (People who are extremely angry, however, are unlikely to give us time to paraphrase without interrupting us and continuing to vent.)
“So let me make sure I understand you..
As with empathetic statements, we don’t have to be 100 percent accurate when we paraphrase another person.
The time and place for apologies
Genuine apologies have their place in conflict resolution but have been so overused that their effectiveness is limited. “I’m sorry,” for example, seems to be an automatic reaction to another’s anger or frustration. Some people say “I’m sorry” when someone else bumps into them. Other times, an apology is offered before someone has even finished their story. An apology often is interpreted as “Don’t be mad anymore; I said I’m sorry.” When we feel wronged and have a story to tell, we have little patience with someone implying we shouldn’t be mad anymore. People may be made even angrier by an immediate apology and respond with something like: “If you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done that in the first place.”
It also may be that you have nothing to apologize for — you did nothing wrong. Their anger may be misdirected or based on inaccurate or incomplete information. In those cases, the other person may see your apology as a sign of weakness and expect unconditional surrender, making them even more difficult to deal with.
When we think about it, “I’m sorry” speaks more to our intention than to the impact on the other person. It diverts the spotlight from their story to ours and often is followed by “but I only meant …” If you have made a mistake, you may find it more effective to say, “You’re right. You should have been included in that decision” than “I’m sorry you weren’t included.” In short, what follows “I’m sorry” is much more important than the words themselves.
With an apology or any of these tools, being genuine is more important than being accurate. Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “What you are stands over you the while, and thunders so that I cannot hear what you say to the contrary.” A lack of sincerity reduces these powerful tools to manipulation, more likely to trigger another person’s anger than to defuse it. And don't think, hey i can fake it, because even if you do, your selfesteem/identity will take the hit.
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