c6 - defense

We can begin by looking at defensiveness as a behavior rather than a personality flaw. When people behave defensively, they are sending us a message. If we remain curious, we can begin to understand the message and, in turn, the person. This understanding is the foundation for resolution.

Consider situations in which you perceive yourself judged to be a villain — a bad parent, disloyal team member, or incompetent worker.

For most of us, the idea of being the villain is an unbearable one. For example, if I miss a deadline and you call me “unprofessional,” I could agree that my assignment was late, but would bristle at the attack on my character. I would experience you as overreacting and generalizing — “removing the fly from my face with a hatchet,” in the words of an old Chinese proverb. Our subsequent conversation would involve my “negotiation of face.”

But we should not confuse defensiveness with assertiveness.

Defensive behavior attacks the other person or negates their point of view. Assertive behavior, sets limits on how we let others treat us. It allows room for the other person’s opinions and concerns, provided they are delivered respectfully.

Defensiveness focuses on the content of another person’s message, assertiveness on how that message is delivered.

When I was learning to mediate, I assumed that my job was to eliminate emotion from the conversation. If we could all be calm and rational, I reasoned, we would resolve the situation more effectively and efficiently. I soon realized that emotions not only were a natural part of conflict but also could guide me to the source of the conflict. Emotions need to be managed, not quashed. Once I became more comfortable with emotions (or at least more comfortable with my discomfort in the face of them), I began to view anger and frustration as symptoms of deeper, unmet needs. Until those needs were identified and addressed, any solution would be superficial and the root conflict ultimately would resurface in another form.

Over time, I developed a mental image to remind me to be curious in the face of defensiveness: I visualize a “dig here” sign. This helps me manage my impulse to revert to judgment or counterattack. Instead, I’m (usually) able to step back and ask myself, “What’s going on for them right now? In what ways are they feeling attacked?” By remaining curious, I allow and encourage the other person to tell their side of the story, explain their concerns, and clarify their intentions. Once we are able to listen to someone’s story without feeling the need to make it conform to our own view, we open the doors to invaluable understanding.

I DIDN’T DO IT (DENIAL)

Picture a child, mouth covered with chocolate sauce, caught red-handed (or chocolate-mouthed) as Mom suddenly enters the room.

Knowing he’s in for it now, he instinctively blurts, “I didn’t do anything.” As adults, we have developed victim slightly more sophisticated but equally impulsive versions of denial, such as “It’s not my fault. The guys in shipping screwed up.”

This type of defensive reaction speaks less to the specifics of an incident than to a general declaration that “I’m not a villain.” We fear the “unbearable idea” that we’re a bad person just because we made a mistake. When confronted with this defensive reaction, remember it is driven by fear. Seek to reassure the other person that they can safely engage in an open and honest discussion of the situation. We can reassure them by focusing on the future rather than dwelling on the past. We also can emphasize the mutual benefit of exploring and resolving the situation.

ALL THE OTHER DO IT (DEFLECTION)

This occurs when an employee’s extended lunch break is questioned by a supervisor. When other excuses failed, we likely would hear, “Why are you picking on me? Everyone else takes long lunches!”

This reaction says, “I’m not a villain.Everyone does this. I’m actually a victim because you’re singling me out.”

When confronted with a deflection, don’t get sidetracked. Acknowledge the person’s point if it’s relevant, while continuing to focus on the original problem.

BLAME AND COUNTERATTACK

When confronted with a counterattack, resist the impulse to return fire or defend yourself, for this only creates a chain reaction of defensiveness. Instead, acknowledge the other person’s perspective and perhaps agree to discuss their issues separately. If we lose our focus, the other person will have succeeded in their efforts to divert attention from our original issue.

WITHDRAWAL

A child sits with her hands covering her ears, chanting loudly to herself, “I can’t hear you.” Teenagers, with the help of headphones and portable computer games, have refined this technique to include the laconic “whatever.” Adult versions include simply walking away or clamming up. This avoidance of confrontation often is driven by a fear of conflict in general and, more specifically, a belief that if they engage, they will be seen as the villain.

They are essentially saying, “If I don’t play, I won’t lose.”

When confronted with this defensive behavior, try to create a safe space to discuss the issue. Emphasize your desire to solve a problem, not attack them personally. Let the other person know what is at stake and why you see it as important to address the problem. We need to draw on our patience and persistence to build enough trust for the other person to engage with us.

Warming the climate

Defensive behavior increases with the level of judgment, hostility, and suspicion people experience. In a hostile climate, we are fully alert and ready to fend off perceived attacks on our character or well-being. We naturally view the other person as the villain against whose threats we must guard ourselves.

Although defensiveness may surface as a specific reaction, it usually is the product of a hostile climate. To reduce defensiveness, we must not only treat the symptom but also “warm” the climate that fosters it. By remaining curious and empathetic, we encourage the other person to tell their story without fear of attack or judgment. When a person feels their perspective will be respected, suspicion thaws and trust builds.

When you hit bedrock

Sometimes a person’s defensive behavior is so deeply rooted in repressed anger, grief, or fear that we may be unable to reduce or manage it. In such cases, the best we can do is acknowledge their reaction and express our desire to work with them. If they spurn our efforts to collaborate, we don’t take the defensiveness personally, then explore ways to get what we need without their cooperation.

Summary

Defensiveness can be defined as “a behavioral response to a perceived threat or attack, often to one’s self-esteem or well-being.” It involves a negotiation of reputation and may reflect a person’s anxiety about an “unbearable idea.”

Two basic conflict dynamics define defensiveness: our resistance to being cast as the villain and our desire to proclaim our innocence as the victim.

When we view anger and frustration as symptoms of deeper, unmet needs, we can spin the gold of understanding by discovering what lies beneath defensive behavior. When you experience defensiveness in another person, treat it as an opportunity to “dig here” for their story.

Defensive behavior tends to arise in an atmosphere of judgment, hostility, and suspicion. By creating a supportive environment, we significantly reduce defensiveness.

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