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All questions are not created equal

In adversarial conflict resolution (epitomized by the courts), people seldom ask questions out of curiosity. Their goal instead is to discredit their adversary’s ideas or reinforce their own position. Trial lawyers are told: “Never ask a question unless you already know the answer.”

In collaborative conflict resolution, however, our goal is quite different. We seek to increase understanding and to work with the other person against the problem. “Winning” is redefined as finding a solution that satisfies the needs of both people. Our questions, therefore, aim to uncover information and bring interests and needs to the surface.

CLOSED QUESTIONS (AND WHY TO AVOID THEM)

Closed (or closed-ended) questions are those that demand a yes or no answer. As their name implies, they attempt to narrow the other person’s reply rather than encourage them to tell their story in their own words.

Closed questions normally contain judgments and assumptions that trigger defensiveness. Consider the following question: “Do you think your suggestion is fair to the rest of the staff?” Implicit in the question is the judgment “I don’t think your suggestion is fair to the rest of the staff.” The person being asked is almost guaranteed to respond defensively and either justify their suggestion or minimize staff concerns.

Other times, people don’t even hear a closed question as a question. What would go through your head if your boss asked you:

“Can you have this completed by 3:00?” Most of us would interpret this question as “Do this by 3:00!” and respond accordingly. Simply put, if you want to convey information, tell the other person what you need. Your boss would communicate more clearly if he said something like “I need this for a meeting at 3:00. Please make sure it’s finished by then.” If we want information from another person, we should ask them an open-ended question: “How does 3:00 work for you?” or “What help would you need?” A closed question usually tells you more about the person asking it than about the person answering it.

WHAT’S GOING ON INSIDE?

Emotions, especially in the workplace, often are minimized or disregarded. Most people are uncomfortable with them and find it far easier to assume they know how someone feels than to ask. Our assumptions usually are based on how someone’s actions impact us and often are inaccurate. We don’t really know how someone is feeling or what motivated their behavior until we ask them. When we take that risk, we often discover that someone’s motive was dramatically different from what we assumed.

When we hear their side of the story, previously incomprehensible behavior may begin to make sense. Open questions are a powerful tool to bring to the surface underlying feelings and intentions.

Questions such as the following encourage the other person to speak directly to their experience and intent:

• “What prompted you to raise the issue in front of the whole team?”

• “What were you intending to convey with your comments?”

• “What motivated you to ask for a transfer?”

Questions that delve into emotions also deepen the conversation.

Emotional connections often can build trust and foster understanding. When strong emotions are unaddressed, they will fester and likely block communication and resolution. Questions such as the following can elicit feelings:

• “How do you feel about the new policy?”

• “What went on for you when your report was criticized?”

• “What was it like for you when they hired someone from outside the department to be team leader?”

When confronted by a position, ask the person what is important to them and why. Seek to understand what is motivating them to adopt their position.

• “What’s important to you about …?”

• “In what ways would that improve efficiency?”

TIPS ON PROBING

Asking questions is as much an art as a science. Through practice, we can learn to ask questions that gather valuable information. When we add genuine curiosity and trust our instincts (not our impulses), we can achieve the depth of understanding that can transform conflicts.

Conflict often is prolonged when people use a common term but attach different meanings to it. Ask the other person to define a term.

• “What do you mean by [practical]?”

• “What does [teamwork] mean to you?”

We often assume people think the same way we do. Instead of making assumptions, explore their thought process.

• “How did you arrive at that conclusion?”

• “What led you to that conclusion?”

• “When did you arrive at that view?”

Finally, conflict is extremely personal. People adopt positions based on personal experiences. When someone demonstrates passion toward an issue or a position, find out how it affects them personally.

• “How does that affect you?”

• “What are your concerns about …?”

• “When does that impact you?”

• “How would that benefit you?”

• “What would you be looking to achieve by …?”

I’ll show you mine if …

Imagine your boss asking you, “Are you happy in your job?” For those of us who value continued employment, the right answer likely would be “Yes, boss.” Even the open-ended version — “How are you feeling about your job?” — still would have us wondering,

“Why is he asking?” or “What’s her agenda?” Depending on our history and relationship with our boss, we might assume the worst and become defensive and guarded.

A question, by its very nature, asks the person being questioned to reveal something. And when we view the person asking the question as our conflict villain, we are understandably reluctant to reveal ourselves. We can reduce this suspicion and mistrust by letting the other person know our reason for asking a question. Before asking an employee how they are doing, a manager might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been very quiet recently. What’s up?” Before requesting a rush job, she might say, “I need the report for a meeting with the director at 3:00. How does that fit with your workload today?”

Danaan Parry addressed this need for transparency in his book Warriors of the Heart:

The cardinal rule for asking questions is: Give something of yourself before you demand anything of someone else. If you want to know what’s going on for another person, then tell them what is going on with you first. Only then do you have the right to ask your question.

Ask only if you really want to know

I mentioned earlier that our words comprise only a small part of the message people receive from us. Our attitude, as reflected in our facial expression and tone of voice, speaks more loudly than our words. I remember an incident years ago in which my attitude was incongruent with my words. After a tense morning with my wife, I remember asking her, “What’s your problem?” (heavy emphasis on the “your”). Technically this is an open-ended question, though I admit that I was far from curious at the time. Not surprisingly, my wife picked up on this lack of congruence and reacted with a terse defensiveness. (The answer, for the record, was that I was the problem, but that story is best left untold.)

When I recounted this incident to a colleague and commented that “these open questions aren’t all they’re cracked up to be,” he took me seriously and suggested I could have asked her, “What’s up?” At that point, I had to sheepishly admit that I didn’t really want to know “what was up,” but wanted to stir the pot, which I managed to do very effectively. This experience reminded me that although conflict resolution skills are important, they will be ineffective unless we apply them with sincerity and curiosity.

Summary

Closed questions normally contain judgments and assumptions that trigger defensiveness. They often reflect the agenda of the person asking the question.

We can get to the core of a conflict by “peeling the layers of the onion” through asking high-yield, open-ended questions. The facts are a natural starting point, but until we discover the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and unmet needs, we cannot really understand the entire story.

We reduce suspicion and mistrust by letting the other person know our reason for asking a question.

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