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What we don’t say controls us.

An alternative to fight or flight

Many people mistakenly believe that collaborative conflict resolution is about being nice — about giving in to make the other person happy and avoid conflict. Far from it. Collaboration is about getting what we need, but not at the expense of the other person. If we ignore our own needs, any solution will be tainted by resentment and frustration. Assertion of our own needs is a key component in any collaborative resolution.

Assertiveness also presents us with a constructive alternative to the fight or flight response associated with our anger. Anger is our body’s call to action. Our triggers warn us when our values are being threatened and urge us to protect ourselves and what we hold important. Assertiveness allows us to heed this call without unnecessarily escalating a conflict. It means standing up for yourself — without knocking the other person down. We express our feelings, opinions, and wishes directly and respectfully.

Assertiveness reflects an attitude of mutual respect. A colleague, Ed Jackson, summarized the balance between rights and responsibilities that marks assertive behavior:

You have the right to say what you think and tell others how you feel. You have an obligation to do that respectfully. You have an obligation to listen to what others have to say and how they feel. You have a right to have those things said to you respectfully.

Finally, assertiveness moves us beyond the drama triangle and focuses on interests and needs and on resolution. By speaking up for ourselves we cast aside the role of the passive, powerless victim.

We take responsibility for our needs and for the way we allow others to treat us. When we do so without attacking or judging the other person, they are less likely to feel victimized (and to see us as the villain).

Passive behavior

When we remain passive in conflict, we suppress our opinions and needs and feel like the victim. "This isn’t safe” or “What if they don’t like us?” or “Why bother?” Whether to keep the peace or to save ourselves from harm, we allow others to encroach on our rights unchallenged. Even if we choose to say something, it usually is delivered so tentatively or apologetically that others can hardly be expected to take us seriously. After all, if we fail to make our needs important, why should someone else? Our self-esteem suffers and our suppressed emotions may lead to resentment and even revenge (passive-aggressive behavior).

Passive behavior also can undermine trust. Think of someone you know whom you would characterize as passive. How much can you rely on them to give you the straight goods when you ask them how things are going for them? They likely will assure you that “everything is fine.” And things might be fine, but their tendency to avoid conflict will prevent you from taking their answer at face value.

Aggressive behavior

Just as passive behavior locks us into the role of victim, aggressive behavior locks us into the revolving door of hero / villain. “We don’t have to take that,” “I would never do anything like that,” and “What a jerk.”

When we’re being aggressive, we deliver our message in a way that leaves no doubt that we see the other person as the villain. They are predictably reluctant to accept this role and feel compelled to defend themselves and their good name. Our message falls on deaf ears. Aggressive behavior also undermines trust, as people are unlikely to trust us if we attack and judge them.

“I” statements

To borrow from Woody Allen, 80 percent of assertiveness is speaking up. Instead of clamming up when faced with conflict, we need to say something, however inarticulate or clumsy our words might seem. We can begin to shed the role of victim with a blunt “I don’t like what’s happening here” or “I’m getting frustrated with these interruptions.” Once we risk speaking up, our challenge is to deliver the message directly yet respectfully. “I” statements help us achieve this balance. Even a statement (such as “That stung!”) that does not start with “I” can let the other person know what is going on for us.

“You” statements label and blame the other person. Or they claim to know what the other person thinks or feels (“You obviously don’t care about the team”); people react defensively to such accusations.

As always, being genuine is more important than being technically correct. I remember one student who was practicing assertiveness in a situation that was very close to home for her. She was struggling to stay objective and finally glared at her role-play partner and fired back, “You’re being a jerk about this.” I asked her how she might make her point using an “I” statement instead. She paused a moment. Then her face lit up in what I assumed was an “aha” moment. She turned to her antagonist and confidently said, “I think you’re being a jerk about this.”

“I’m okay. They need professional help”

Assertiveness may involve expressing our interests and needs about a specific issue. More frequently, assertiveness addresses how others treat us. We seldom find others disrespectful or “difficult” simply because they disagree with us. Rather, they trigger us because of how they treat us.

Think of a person you find difficult. What two words do you associate with that person?

I’ve found that the following words continually arise:

controlling arrogant stubborn inconsiderate manipulative unreasonable uncooperative demanding

These people clearly are villains! Anyone (except them) can see that they deserve our scorn and anything else we can dish out in response to their dysfunctional behavior. As satisfying as this rush of self-righteousness may be, it places us in a no-win situation. If we “tell it like it is,” they likely will get defensive and deny our charges, and things probably will get worse. If we don’t “tell it like it is,” the unacceptable behavior continues. Either way, we remain trapped on the drama triangle, as the victim of their villainy.

But to heed the words of Albert Einstein, we cannot solve problems with the same consciousness that created them. Our view of the “difficult” person will doom us to spin our wheels and serve only to deepen our frustration; other views open new possibilities and allow us to create new outcomes.

Most commonly, we see the person as the problem: they are a jerk, an idiot. If the person is the problem, to solve the problem we must either eliminate or avoid them. Elimination (as delicious as it might seem in our darkest fantasies) produces unpleasant legal consequences and leaves us with the further problem of where to hide the body. As for avoidance, if we could avoid such a difficult person, we likely would have done so long ago. Often we find people difficult specifically because we don’t have the option of avoiding them.

Alternatively, we may attribute the conflict to the personality deficiencies of the other person. They are arrogant, condescending, rude, or inconsiderate. If we view their personality as the problem, we are left with the task of changing their personality. Psychotherapy, electric shock, or a lobotomy might work but normally require the consent of the patient, and no matter how convinced you are that they need professional help, they probably disagree. This view also pegs them as the villain and reinforces our role as the innocent victim.

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