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Susan Scott, in her excellent book Fierce Conversations, says, “All conversations are with ourselves, and some may involve other people.” Rather than worrying about and judging the other person in conflict, we can apply that energy more productively to understanding and managing our own reactions. This chapter provides insights and strategies to help us remain productive during conflict. The foundation for change is awareness: of our triggers, our breathing, our body, our feelings, and our thoughts.

KNOW YOUR TRIGGERS

We can begin this process of awareness by identifying our triggers.

Why do certain people, mannerisms, or behaviors trigger us (but don’t necessarily trigger other people)? When and with whom are these behaviors most likely to trigger us? Knowing ourselves and our triggers allows us to develop a preventive maintenance program that can serve us when conflict surfaces.

Part of our maintenance program can involve reducing the size of our “hot buttons” and making them more difficult for others to push. Police officers, frontline government employees, and computer help-line operators normally develop thick skins and effective coping mechanisms because abuse, unfortunately, comes with their chosen vocations. They cannot avoid angry people and therefore must find ways to depersonalize verbal attacks and defuse and manage abusive situations. For those who fail to do so, the resultant stress and their own ineffectiveness usually have them looking for a new career.

REMEMBER TO BREATHE

As trite as this sounds, in conflict we often forget to breathe. As we feel attacked, we become tense and tend to either hold our breath or take short, shallow breaths. We become rigid, our energy blocked. If we can train ourselves to take a couple of deep breaths in response to conflict, we accomplish several things. First, we allow oxygen to circulate, some of which hopefully will arrive at our forebrain and awaken our communication and reasoning skills. Second, we begin to relax and allow energy to flow through us. This physical activity provides an alternative to the fight or flight response. And third, we buy ourselves some time and avoid counterproductive impulsive responses. With this choice comes a sense of power, even in an uncomfortable situation.

During a workshop with the staff of a high school, I asked participants about the benefits of breathing in the face of anger. The police liaison officer smiled and said, “As long as I’m breathing in, I’m not talking.” That alone is a good enough reason to train ourselves to breathe when feeling triggered.

OBSERVING OURSELVES

In conflict, our subconscious often triggers automatic reactions. To develop new responses, try spending a week simply observing yourself. Notice how you feel, what you think, and how you respond in conversation and especially in conflict. Avoid judging yourself, especially when you respond defensively. Instead of criticizing yourself, simply notice (“Wow, I really got triggered there”). When we let go of judgment, we no longer need to defend or justify ourselves. We create room for curiosity and opportunities for learning. We can shed automatic reactions and deliberately choose more productive responses in conflict.

— Donna Soules, mediator/trainer

CLEANING UP OUR OWN ACT

Somewhere along this journey, I realized that the most important conflict resolution work we can do is to clean up our own act. In my experience, most conflict is “intrapersonal,” that is, it lies within ourselves and has nothing at all to do with the other person. Even if we manage ourselves and our own emotions effectively, there will clearly be problems to solve and differences to deal with. But we are increasingly less likely to be triggered, to be reactive, or to contribute to the negativity in conflict as we continue to do our ongoing personal “cleanup” work. A life’s journey, for sure!

— Jill Schroder, mediator/meditator/mom

PAYING ATTENTION TO EMOTIONAL SIGNALS

For me, the key to applying these skills was to pay attention to my emotions. When I sensed that I was uncomfortable, frustrated, or upset in a situation, I used the feeling as a signal to step back and ask myself,

“What’s going on here?” Instead of simply repeating old patterns, I created a moment of calm in which I could observe what was happening and choose how to respond.

I remember waiting for a table at a local restaurant with my dad. I sat down in the nearest chair; he walked across the waiting area and sat in a distant chair.

Conversation was impossible. I began to take it personally and a familiar internal tape started playing. It said, “You don’t matter. And here’s proof — even your own dad doesn’t want to have anything to do with you.” I was tempted to sarcastically ask, “Could you possibly sit any further away?” but I was able to pay attention to that emotional surge and forced myself to pause for a moment.

In this moment, I shifted my judgment and self-loathing to curiosity and asked him, “How did you reach the decision to sit in that chair?” He snapped out of his reverie, contemplated my question, and responded that, to him, it looked like the most comfortable. He was oblivious to the distance between us and certainly didn’t intend his seat selection as a statement of any dis-regard for me. It was just dad being dad. His simple explanation allowed me to let go of my old tape and enjoy a pleasant dinner with him.

— Keith Barker, coach emeritus/trainer/mediator

PROBING MY INNER RESISTANCE

I found the concepts of positions and interests have aided me tremendously in addressing my internal conflicts. When I find myself adopting a strong point of view or feeling resistant, I ask myself, “What’s important to me about this?” For example, when I joined a tennis club some years ago I resisted playing on Court 1 (the spectator court) and encouraged my playing partners to go to one of the more private courts. When I examined my reaction, I realized that I was not only self-conscious as a beginner but also embarrassed that I wore knee braces as a result of five operations. My self-esteem was being pounded. When I peeled the onion far enough about what was bugging me, I was able to put my resistance aside to the point that I now prefer playing on Court 1.

By identifying my underlying needs and assessing their importance, I am able to make better and more deliberate choices in my life.

— Ed Jackson, chartered accountant/mediator/trainer

STAY CURIOUS ABOUT THEIR BARBS

Significant for me was a shift from defensiveness to curiosity. I worked hard to “step outside myself” in the face of verbal darts from another person. This allowed me to recognize that their volleys were in fact defensive behavior and to wonder about what triggered their reaction. Understanding their behavior helped me deal with the real issue and not get sidetracked by personal attacks. So if I could recommend but one characteristic to embrace, it would be curiosity.

— Derm McNulty, mediator/trainer/coach

PUT YOUR OWN MOVIE ON PAUSE

I believe the most powerful skill to transform confrontation into cooperation is paraphrasing, in its broadest sense. When we can restate someone’s story, including their words and emotions, we can dramatically shift the nature of the conversation. If we can put our own movie on pause for a minute and paraphrase their movie, a number of things happen: emotions defuse, assumptions are clarified, curiosity is fostered, and, eventually, understanding is built.

— Jill Schroder, mediator/meditator/mom

ONE A DAY

Most importantly, I made a deliberate decision to incorporate these skills into my life. To do so, I picked a skill to practice each day and used it at least five times in conversation. Monday was open question day and I consciously asked at least five open questions of people I was with, even when I had to force myself to be curious. Tuesday was listening day and I would practice paraphrasing or empathy with whomever I came across.

Wednesdays were for pausing — I deliberately slowed my conversations and paused between sentences to allow room for silence. Over time, I managed to replace my old habits with ones that facilitated understanding and communication.

— Raj Dhasi, mediator/trainer/coach

KEEPING IT ON THE FRONT BURNER

To keep conflict resolution front and center in my daily life, I’ve developed an ear for communication skills and an eye for conflict. I listen as top-notch interviewers on radio use questions to deepen understanding. When I observe others in conflict, I use them as case studies to determine where things went off the rails and how communication skills could have been applied. With stress levels in the workplace, I find no shortage of conflict from which to learn.

— Clare Connolly, mediator/trainer

THE CONFLICT PUZZLE

I now approach each conflict as a fascinating challenge. I generally take it less personally and actually enjoy strategizing how to best meet my needs and theirs. I don’t want to trivialize conflict by saying it’s “like a game,” though I see it as a complex puzzle that is challenging, yet no longer overwhelming.

Maybe more like the New York Times crossword puzzle. The first time you look at Sunday’s puzzle it seems impossibly difficult. However, by working through a few easier Monday puzzles, then you’re ready for Tuesday. Before you know it, Friday’s puzzle seems pretty easy and you can’t believe that you ever found Sunday’s so overwhelming.

— Roy Johnson, mediator/psychotherapist

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH

Understanding conflict resolution from various courses was easy; applying it in the moment was a challenge. I remember an incident with an ex-girlfriend who remained a close friend. The previous day I had done something that ticked her off. Her irritation festered overnight and the following day, while we were driving home from work together, she confronted me over my transgression. In a flash, I realized I could use my conflict resolution skills. (This was a novel experience, for in the past I came to such a realization only after the fact.) This was quickly followed by a second, more sobering realization — I didn’t want to use my skills.

So I watched myself lapse into my familiar role in our pattern of attack, defend, blame, and justify.

And then something shifted inside and I heard myself saying to her, “This isn’t getting us anywhere. I guess I better try to listen.” My frustration then overrode my best intentions and I literally said, “So what you’re trying to say is blah, blah, blah.” This was obviously not a classic paraphrase, but it did appeal to her sense of humor and broke the pattern. Her sarcastic, “Well, now I really feel understood” was even tinged with amusement. I tried again and replaced my flip “blah, blah, blah” with an accurate summary of her concerns.

She looked surprised. “That’s pretty much it,” she acknowledged and then, very easily, encapsulated my concerns. From there we were able to identify and constructively discuss what had happened the previous day.

Even though my initial attempt to paraphrase got sidetracked by emotion, it served to let her know that I was doing my best to understand. Since she wanted to be understood, she cut me some slack until I got it right.

— Keith Barker, coach emeritus/trainer/mediator

As part of a study of conflict styles two years ago, I asked my 12th grade Peace and Development students to experiment with different conflict styles and record the results in their journals. I explained that the exercise was intended to allow them to experience alternatives to their “automatic pilot” responses to conflict. I encouraged each of them to choose a close relationship (parent, sibling, boyfriend/girlfriend) and to consciously choose a different response the next time they felt emotionally triggered. In other words, if they tended to avoid or accommodate (flight) then they were to engage around the issue by confronting or collaborating. If they tended to react competitively (fight), they were to see what happened when they accommodated or collaborated instead.

I really didn’t expect much and doubted whether they would take the assignment seriously. But when I read their journals three weeks later, I discovered that many of my students had profound experiences through this simple (but not easy) exercise. My subsequent classes have been given the same assignment and in reading more than 70 journal entries over the past two years, I have yet to find a student who did not report exceptional learning when they made a deliberate choice as to how to respond to an emotional trigger.

Many learned about themselves in conflict. Others created an opportunity to talk about conflict openly and productively with the other person (often for the first time in the relationship). Others felt heard for the first time. And always the relationship was enriched.

— Lloyd Kornelsen, teacher/trainer

ASK FOR SUPPORT

When I first started taking the conflict resolution program at the Justice Institute, I practiced with my spouse and close friends. I explained I was trying to do things differently and asked them for feedback about how they experienced my efforts. As a result, my husband learned the skills very quickly and seems like a natural. I, on the other hand, am still practicing! As I became more comfortable with the skills, I was able to use my own words and so a collaborative approach felt less contrived. I do, however, continue to ask for feedback from others when things don’t seem to be working well. They are usually more than willing to suggest positive alternatives. Vulnerability is key to your growth.

— Pam White, director of the Centre for Conflict

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