Jack and Jill have been together for seventeen years. Their two children, a boy of fifteen and a girl of thirteen, are visiting cousins at a ranch out of town where they will stay for the weekend. Jack and Jill have a nice upper-middle-class home and a good bank account with no money problems. Jill works at a travel agency with some flex time; Jack works as a manager of the data analysis department of a large company. Their children are doing well in school, and their life, looking in from the outside, appears almost ideal.
Jack and Jill are relaxing in their home, looking at the television. During a break:
JILL: Honey, I was wondering: Do you have any plans for tomorrow? (Jill doesn’t know his plans. maybe he doesn't know his plans either, or maybe he was expecting her to know them, so he becomes angry for having to give information, to become vulnerable)
JACK : What do you mean, “plans”? Do I have to have plans? (Jack diverts Jill with a question. He confabulates a reason for his anger accusing Jill of implying that he has to have plans.)
JILL: Well, no, I just thought it might be fun to go up to the mountain and take a picnic tomorrow since the kids won’t be back until Sunday. (Explaining is a trap when dealing with an abuser, as he will gain more ammunition for his war. Jill notices Jack’s question “what do you mean” and senses his confusion and anger. She explains her reason for asking instead of simply repeating the question, “Do you have any plans for tomorrow?”)
JACK: Well, why didn’t you just say so? (Jack relaxes as he now has the full information about the situation and can decide if and what plan he has tomorrow, he is in control.)
JILL: I did, just now. (She doesnt understand that he was avoiding the responsibility of telling his plans before analyzing her information, of losing control even for a moment.)
JACK: Oh come on, you know I can’t stand it when you don’t get to the point. (Jack counters Jill, again diverting by changing the subject; he is blaming Jill for his own anger and accusingher of being indirect. In telling her what she knows and that she doesn’t “get to the point,” he is defining her.)
JILL: But, I did. (Jill is now defensive, as Jack added yet another conflict on the table, the one of her not being direct, where she feels she was.)
JACK: Would you just quit arguing? We’ll go up to the mountain if that’s what you want. (Jack accuses Jill of arguing and makes her responsible for his agreeing to go on the picnic, again ditching responsibility, and playing the victim.)
JILL: Well, what do you want to do? (Jill doesn’t want him to feel forced to go, as she would consider other fun things to do, but she doesn't specify them, making Jack to believe she really wants this and make a decision based on this. Asking what he wants to do is her way to show him that she is not trying to argue or be the “bad guy.”, as she wants to be validated)
JACK: Didn’t I just say we’ll go? What more do you want?
JILL: I’m feeling kind of bad. Are you mad about something? (Jill’s counselor told her to tell him how she feels, and to ask him if she isn’t sure how he feels, which is what she does.)
JACK: You’re the one who can’t take “yes, we’ll go,” for an answer. (Jack frustrated ignored the emotional conflict, used to ignoring such things and focusing on the stuff he has more understanding and control of, he might also respond with frustration when he acknowledges his emotional state is destructive).
JILL: Never mind. I’ll pick up some stuff at the market. They have some low-fat cheeses, and I think turkey would be good. (Starting fresh, Jill offers to shop for the picnic and tells Jack that she thinks certain foods would be good.)
JACK (angrily): That’s not a picnic. We’re not taking any diet stuff. (A new conflict appears between them, the one about food / diet, this is masked under Jacks argument of what a picnic is. He orders about the food, without consulting Jill, asserting his power role and control over the interaction, continuing to justify his intense , aggressive attitude.)
JILL: I’ll pick up whatever you want. I’ll eat the low-fat stuff. (Jill offers to get Jack whatever he wants, along with what she wants. She knows that if she can’t even take her own food, something is seriously wrong. It seems so unreasonable. She tries to maintain her own reality by saying she’ll eat her choice and that Jack will have his choice. She avoids or is not aware of the new open conflict on the topic of diet, or understands this is not the time to resolve it.)
JACK: And we’ll end up with two picnic baskets, and I’m not lugging all that stuff out from the car. Just get some fried chicken, potato salad, and stuff. (Jack makes an assumption about the future and refuses to be part of it, ordering, not asking, Jill to get just what he wants. He cannot accept the loss of control. Still, he claims that it is because of the picnic baskets that he orders Jill to get only what he wants.)
JILL: Okay, I’ll keep the low-fat stuff separate in the little cooler and I’ll carry it. (Jill again negotiates, and handles Jack’s basket issue, not realizing this is a simple placeholder.)
JACK: Yeah, I bet you will. I’ll end up carrying everything. (Jack expresses doubt about Jill’s honesty, and reaffirms his original scenario. In order to make her wrong, he assumes - irrationally- that there will be more to carry because she wants diet food.)
JILL: I don’t see why you’d think that. I just told you I’d carry my stuff. (Jill can’t understand why he would think she was lying and reaffirms her offer.)
JACK: Oh, sure! Like when we went to the fair. (Jack again subtly implies Jill is lying/abusing him, trying again to pose as a man defending himself.)
JILL: But I had my niece in the stroller, and we had the luggage. (Jill tries to explain how the two occasions are different.)
JACK: Do you have to argue over everything? We can’t even discuss a simple picnic without your complaints and arguments!!(Jack accuses Jill of arguing, complaining, and not discussing the topic, when he is cornered and runs out of any partially rational argument to counter her. This way he gains back control and dominance.)
JILL: Look, I’ll carry everything if you want. It’s no problem. I'm not complaining. (Jill says that if Jack thinks carrying the picnic basket is a problem, she doesn’t see it as one.)
JACK (sarcastically): Huh, not complaining! Didn’t you just tell me you were feeling sooo bad? And you had to bring your niece into it, just to argue. (Jack counters Jill and accuses her of complaining and arguing, and projects his own need to argue and dominate into her arguments.)
JILL: Jack, please listen. I’m going to get what you want. All I want is to have a nice day. (Jill calls Jack by his name, in an effort to bring him back to reality and understand her, offers again, and tells him what she wants.)
JACK: And you think I don’t! (Jack accuses Jill, again telling her what she thinks. He feels angry but doesn’t know why so confabulates a reason for his anger: that she is thinking ill of him.)
JILL: Jack, please, just tell me: Why do you think that I think you don’t want to have a nice day? What have I said or done to give you that impression? (Jill takes Jack’s words for truth. She thinks he is rational and that he really thinks that she thinks that he doesn’t want to have a nice day. She feels Jack’s hostility and is confused why she can’t show Jack that she really is on his side and isn’t the enemy.)
JACK: I don’t have to stand for this interrogation. Go on. Go to the store. (Jack accuses Jill of ill will, an interrogation, and gives her orders, trying desperately to excape the situation and shut her up)
JILL: I’m just trying to understand.
JACK: You always have to have the last word. You always have to have it your way. I’m really tired of this. (Jack accuses Jill of arguing for the sake of arguing, of “wanting her way,” and projects his anger and frustration. )
JILL: But I’m not trying to have the last word. (Jill tries again to explain her intentions.)
JACK: There! Didn’t you just do it again? [Very sarcastically:]“I’m not trying to have the last word.” (Jack jumps on the first logical option he can use to defeat Jill and get on top - unconsciously.)
JILL: I’m going to the store. I feel so confused when I try to talk with you. (Jill gives up trying to understand and trying to explain herself. She expresses her confusion.)
JACK: Have it your way. Blame me. Boy, I’m really tired of your attacks. (Jack again projects that Jill is selfish and abusive)
JILL: What do you mean? (Jill still hopes to understand.)
JACK: If you don’t know, then there’s no use in my explaining. This conversation is over. (Jack withholds. He blames Jill for not understanding and blocks all communication with a unilateral decision.)
Jack walks out.
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