submitted 11 hours ago by PickleChompINTJ On a consistent enough basis to be noticeable, I have people complain that I think I know everything. I usually then point out that I never said I do, to which they respond that it doesn't matter, I give that impression. I dig deeper, asking what exact acts give that impression; the person most times then gets upset, maybe because they assume I'm fucking with them or trying to rationalize them into a corner. Either way, they can't give me a solid answer, or say they have to think on it. I'm not fucking with them; I'm serious business about character development and feel that arrogance, perceived or otherwise, will lead to many future downfalls. Anyone have any luck battling this? I know I definitely assume a lot in the absence of information, but I don't want to give the impression that I know that something for sure. An aura of confidence doesn't help here. Please avoid "ignore idiots, acquire enlightenment" answers. I know this is a forum of INTJs, but my goals aren't always aligned with the INTJ mentality.
[–]mikedevans247INTJ 13 points 9 hours ago This typically occurs 1) when you correct someone or 2) when you speak with an air of confidence the accuser lacks. Basically, you're looking at their defensive reaction to a bruised ego. If you limit your desire to help through constructive criticism, and find ways to speak in an almost apologetic manner when discussing sensitive topics, your efforts will go a long way. It's not you, it's them...but you can't change them.
[–]gruia 1 point 15 minutes ago* yeah, people have low selfesteem, they get defensive when something contradicts their convictions or they dont feel validated or acknowledged when they feel they should. so their intuition sends some bullshit emotion and their brain gets dumber puking a weak argument supporting that emotion. its pathetic .. its sad .. its weak .. its hard to deal with .. but its your/our responsibility . we are the stronger side of the conflict, we understand whats going on, its on us to do what we want with the situation 1 - kill them with logic (effort) 2 - ingore them/ walk away (0 effort) 3 - try to soothe their emotions and defuse their defensiveness (x3 effort) obviously 3 is the best one for that relationships intimacy, if that person is someone u care about. theres no single solution, its situational, and you have to be selfaware and make a choice, imo. but if u could pick one to match all cases 3 is your safest bet. once you use it enough youll turn very efficient at it (theoretically, practically im not there yet) its just so damn painful to renounce all the logic and concepts from before, and start building the other person from the ground.. just like petting a sobbing baby yeah , i think that might help, if you feel this imense wave of compassion once u see defensiveness. we usually feel disgust and hatred )), so yeah, working on it.
[–]monstrust 3 points 6 hours ago* How often are you correcting or being 'right'? While you most likely think of the truth as an objective entity that everyone can gather around, most people don't see it that way. They see it as your opinion, and your need to be right. A lot of people can't take their ego out of the discussion. Every point is a personal attack on them. If you want to avoid this, I'd recommend you alter your approach: Choose your battles. Do you correct everyone all the time? Why? Will it make any difference to your day to day life if a person believes something that is wrong? If it's not about you and it doesn't concern something in your life or something you're working on then let it slide. It's not your issue. How you correct them is also important. Blunt responses will be perceived as arrogance. Your delivery needs to incorporate those sensitivities. Read the person, read their body language. Alter course accordingly. I sometimes think of it like a hostage negotiation. You don't want to set the kidnappers off and have them kill someone. Words have to be chosen carefully to nudge them towards the solution. You have to be aware of their sensitivities and make allowances for it. It might take longer sure but if you blunder in there and just say 'give me the hostages now or we'll shoot you', that's not going to end so well. [–]PickleChompINTJ[S] 3 points 2 hours ago I've stopped correcting people or adding my opinion unless there's irreversible damage to be done if I don't stop someone. Most of this happens after multiple instances of me talking about a topic, something of interest to me usually. I'm seeing now that it may be topics that the other person has authority on (unawares to me), but they typically get upset without explaining that to me. Maybe they don't want to brag by claiming authority? [–]gruia 1 point just now no man, dont do this. it will fuck your selfesteem up. take all conflicts, give all criticism, thats the only way thins world grows. you just have to get better at it. ive been thinking, we all get attached to some concept, we make up our argument and we want to say it, as we so much believe in it. but when that fucker says " hey man, who do you think you are/ what are you trying to prove/ you cant accept being wrong/ you are closed minded/ it has to be like you all the time" but i do accept being wrong, lets try to prove it, shall we ? and they go: theres nothing to prove, everyone has an opinion, you have to ACCEPT MINE and you go : i accept your opinion, but your opinion means x y z t, thats why i dont share it. "blah blah, ur just so full of urself" "thats your projection of me, i simply know what im talking about really really well" doesnt seem to work, does it?. and i know, you didnt even shit on him, you didnt even say what you usually say: "that makes no sense, or ur stupid , or argument you assumption. or your assumption is off". so you have to talk to that intuition , go outside the debate, and actually talk about the interaction, and your goals, wishes etc. you can go for " can we try to figure this out together ? " id like to get on the same page with you " i mean, their intuition simply states ur the enemy, you are making an assault on their identity (which is true, but ur intentions are good) . there are a lot of conflict resolution books. the joy of conflict resolution is cool.
[–]charles_thunder 2 points 7 hours ago I get that from people sometimes, and it is invariably people who don't really know me well enough to know that it's not arrogance that drives me. So perhaps you need to work harder at helping others develop an accurate understanding of who you are. [–]PickleChompINTJ[S] 1 point 6 hours ago That's definitely true. I like meeting people and I feel like I probably go through this with everyone I get close to, so my process needs some work.
[–]I_am_INTJ 2 points 6 hours ago Some people perceive confidence and conviction in a person's words as conceit and arrogance. Asking the accuser what puts forth that impression is the natural first instinct for an INTJ. After all, isolate the cause of a problem and annihilate it. Problem solved, yes? However, this direct approach will almost certainly put the person on the defense as they are already expecting a backlash from remarking that you are arrogant. The person will see your questioning as an attack and will dig in their heels which will defend their accusation to increasingly irrational lengths. If you care not whether or not this person thinks you're arrogant then just ignore them. The effort expended towards changing their opinion of you will almost always not be worth it. However, if their opinion genuinely matters, I would suggest a different approach that will disarm the mental bracing they've put up in preparation of your retaliation. Respond with something like, "Arrogance? I didn't intend that as such. How do you think I should have worded what I said to come off less arrogant?" This immediately shows you were not willfully arrogant and that you are willing to adjust your behavior that portrays you to be something that you are not. This will trigger the helpful/savior part of their emotional minds and spur on most people to help the poor socially awkward INTJ back onto the path of accepted good, acceptable social behavior. My two cents from years of experience living with people whose outlooks on life are ruled by their emotions rather than their minds. gruia 1 point just now emotions come from intuition , residing in the mind. its a reason vs subconscious thing.
[–]samu12ai 2 points 5 hours ago INTJs get this a lot because of the way we communicate. It's a perception/vibe thing. We tend to give direct answers and assume that other people want answers when in actuality all they want is to be listened to and recognized. This is the key difference. My dad is an INTJ and growing up was very frustrating because from my perspective, it felt as though he was always critical, condescending, a know-it-all. From his perspective, he was just sharing his opinion and providing the necessary supporting arguments. Most of the times I would just want to share my opinion, like every person. It wasn't intended to start a discussion / argument. Ultimately, it's a difference in communication styles and I wouldn't take it too personally.
[–]gruia 1 point just now i wouldnt put it on communication style.its a virtue thing. we value truth, we value efficiency and information. we want only clean information roaming about.theres no way im giving this up. i see no point towe should always express ourselves and put there what we think is right.consider you might be wrong, how else ur gonna know? [–]acdc51502112 1 point 4 hours ago That has basically been my issue with most people I meet. They assume there's something up with me....when I'm just talking and have strong opinions that I've thought about and researched. When I question something they say, just for clarification or if I just don't think it's true, it's as if I'm attacking them personally....I'm just talking about ideas. [–]samu12ai 1 point 3 hours ago Aahahahah yea. It doesn't help that all of the thought and research that we've devoted to a subject allows us to see and navigate multiple arguments. I tend to see how a person is going to develop their argument and respond preemptively. That's when they think that it's arrogant, which I understand cause I wouldn't want people to assume what I'm going to say
[–]trimtab28 2 points 5 hours ago* I've gotten this periodically. Generally the people who have told me this feel threatened by me somehow, or don't know me and think that the way I talk is condescending to them. The former is typically the class know-it-all types who are used to being the genius in class, so it becomes a form of projection out of insecurity for them. They're usually in the position of answering all the questions and having everyone look up to them, and here's some up start guy who knows his shit and casually talks about it without looking for anyone's validation. Yell at him or tell him he's wrong and he'll just calmly pick apart your argument and tell you all the points that he takes issues with, and then just sit there waiting for you to do the same. The lack of emotionality in debate certainly rubs a lot of people the wrong way. The whole "arrogance" thing probably comes in because of the feeling that you're taking their spot and they themselves feel that they're arrogant to a degree. The way you deal with these kinds of people is to be as civil as possible to them and be open and honest about your own weaknesses in the hopes that they'll open up to you too. Or you can just write them off as assholes. But always be civil to their face. This is just as much about how others perceive you as the person in question. The latter is definitely a communications thing, and can get frustrating at points. Like when you see the easiest path in a group project and just take up the mantle of leadership, some people are grateful, but others who either feel that they deserve the leadership or that you're infringing on their independence, don't take kindly to it. Generally this is a matter of either staying in the background and suggesting things to someone who's more people-oriented and charismatic (you are the king's most trusted advisor and pulling the strings), altering your tone so people think your ideas are best suited to the task in a non-threatening way, or convincing everyone that your ideas were their own. Of course, there's also the minor detail of getting feedback from them and understanding where they're coming from. Be patient and ask them questions. There's no guarantee your path is the best, but if you do this, you probably are in the minority of people trying to genuinely understand them and synthesize what they're saying.
[–]GothelittleINTJ 1 point 8 hours ago Please avoid "ignore idiots, acquire enlightenment" answers. Uh oh. Well, please do listen anyways. I'm coming at the answer from a different angle than you might expect. You say this happens on a consistent enough basis to be noticeable. I'd recommend two courses of action. The first is to reflect upon the people who make the complaints, and ask yourself what they do and don't have in common. It is, indeed, possible that the ones who say it are the ones who are acting defensively and/or projecting. Perhaps they are not. The second thing I'd recommend is to go to the people you trust, the people you know will tell you the truth. They might have never complained about arrogance. That doesn't mean they haven't seen it in you. They just may not be the sort to complain about it. I have friends like that, who will not focus on wrongs unless they see me going far enough afield to get into trouble. Ask them if they see it in you. Let them know you want an honest answer because you are out for self-improvement.
[–]CriticalCubingINTJ 1 point 8 hours ago I don't consider this my problem. Its an error of their judgement, hence completely their fault to being with. You cannot do anything about confidence. If I know about something, it will show in my face. I cannot change that look. However, confidence when becomes over confidence, becomes a problem as it gives rise to arrogance and boost's your ego. In that case, you have to draw a line. (1) Things that I know (2) Things that I don't know. Learn to accept things that you don't know and there won't be further problem. Once you have accepted that you don't know everything, and people still say "you know everything", then you know for sure its not your fault. Be brutally honest with yourself. Apart from that, Meditation and Self Reflection will help.
[–]Hrnek_Bezucha 1 point 6 hours ago For every personal question you ask, give some personal info away. Don't defend your position/explain that you didn't mean to insult, that's only going to make you look like an arse. Learn something about communication - learn by listening. If they start feeling like you are belittling them or judging them they won't open which is crucial. But you have to open as well. It's not about what you think of thought it meant but how they felt when you said it.
[–]gruia 1 point just now yes, intimacy is built with vulnerability. always try to share first. the problem is to share emotion and things on the interaction, not share more information on the topic. there are two different things. they will not be triggered by your lack of or vague information regarding to the debate, but they need to see your vulnerability somehow
[–]Wo1oloINTJ 1 point 4 hours ago If someone is complaining about that, I tend to just move on from them, or ignore them. There have been a few times where I've pointed out that it's only arrogance if you can't back it up, which obviously tends to annoy people more. I just don't care. That's really what it comes down to. Most of the time I don't care if people get offended by the fact that I'm confident, capable, intelligent, and knowledgeable. That's how I am, I know it, they know it, and if they resent it, that's their problem. If you want to avoid offending certain people who may be important, you have to learn to just not say certain things or keep your input to a minimum, even if it's frustrating. All of this assumes that you're introspective and honest enough with yourself to figure out whether you're actually the problem or not. Sometimes we are.
[–]bigbaff 1 point 3 hours ago It could be that other people sense malice in the way you speak. I have noticed that when I get aggressive/forceful in arguments people are quick to get defensive. In these situations it is easy to see how I could be perceived as a know-it-all. Just adding an "I think" or "in my opinion" to your sentences is an easy way to seem more agreeable. You could also start perceiving the opinions that arise as "an opinion" instead of "my opinion". When you stop identify with your opinions and views you won't really place much importance in being right, and your pride will be diminished.
[–]treaclebrainINTJ 1 point 3 hours ago Yeah I get this a lot. Here's my experience; Either I'm satisfied with what I know, or I seek further information from a reliable source. I focus on facts and drawing logical conclusions. My assumptions are often enough to satisfy me. This isn't conducive to a genuinely open discussion. It's an interpersonal issue IMO, because I either don't give enough fucks to approach with an inquisitive mindset, or people are so wrapped up in their opinions and feelings that they perceive my emotionless stance as a statement of superiority, and it winds them up even more. Context is key here though I think. I'll do my best to listen to others within a relationship that I value or must maintain. But if I find myself in the company of someone who consistently jumps to irrational or illogical conclusions about me or our relationship, then I will walk away from their hysteria. Not everyone thinks that I'm arrogant. The most common complaint I hear is that I alienate others with my intelligence and relentless intellectualism. I'm no fun to argue with apparently. The latter part of that feedback is precisely why I tend to tune out.
[–]I_am_INTJ 2 points 2 hours ago The most common complaint I hear is that I alienate others with my intelligence and relentless intellectualism. If we are not relentless how else will the topic be thoroughly explored and no stone left unturned in the quest for answers? I'm no fun to argue with apparently. One cannot argue with facts and the truth and expect to have 'fun'. If one hopes to sway the opinion of an INTJ, one must be prepared to present facts backed up with sources. Bibliography optional, but appreciated. Intellectualism needs to be relentless. Without that drive it's wasted and border-line useless. If a person doesn't want to fight the bear then one should not wake the bear. Yeah. I just kind of called you a bear.
[–]treaclebrainINTJ [score hidden] 39 minutes ago I suspect the 'fun' part for them is winning; something they usually achieve by dominating their 'opponent'. Rolling my eyes at this behaviour probably doesn't help to dispel the perception that I'm arrogant. I also find it hilarious how these people insist that I cite my sources, while providing none of their own. I refrained from saying how stupid people can be because I was trying to be kind and constructive, but stupidity does descend into the ridiculous at times. I try really hard not to act superior when it happens, but it's not surprising that I'm perceived as arrogant when I'm struggling to take people seriously. I don't mind being called a bear. At least it acknowledges that my 'growls' are provoked! ;)
[–]Kill_All_The_HumansINTJ [score hidden] an hour ago I have had this same problem for years. I have tried to adapt to others' communication styles and usually it feels much less productive when I try to hedge my responses to be careful of their feelings. I have found the best way to approach things is to ask something like "are you looking for an opinion here?" or "would you like my opinion, or are you just trying to think through this?" That gives you an "out" if they feel hurt. You can simply say, "well, I gave you my opinion because you said you wanted it. You don't have to agree with it, but you did ask for it." That will protect you and put it back on them that they wanted the info, even if they didn't like it.
[–]drakin77INTJ [score hidden] 37 minutes ago With people that I trust I always help them with the knowledge that I gained because I always want them to improve themselves as for people that are not important I always prove my point even if they don't like it because I'm sure about the information but if they prove to me that I'm wrong and it's true then I change my opinion as I'm always willing to learn