People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.
—Epictetus
Hearing a Negative Message: Four Options
The third component of NVC entails the acknowledgment of the root of our feelings. NVC heightens our awareness that what others say and do may be the stimulus, but never the cause, of our feelings. We see that our feelings result from how we choose to receive what others say and do, as well as from our particular needs and expectations in that moment. With this third component, we are led to accept responsibility for what we do to generate our own feelings.
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, but not the cause.
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Four options for receiving negative messages:
1. blame ourselves.
When someone gives us a negative message, whether verbally or nonverbally, we have four options as to how to receive it. One option is to take it personally by hearing blame and criticism. For example, someone is angry and says, “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met!” If choosing to take it personally, we might react: “Oh, I should’ve been more sensitive!” We accept the other person’s judgment and blame ourselves. We choose this option at great cost to our self-esteem, for it inclines us toward feelings of guilt, shame, and depression.
2. blame others.
A second option is to fault the speaker. For example, in response to “You’re the most self-centered person I’ve ever met,” we might protest: “You have no right to say that! I am always considering your needs. You’re the one who is really self-centered.” When we receive messages this way, and blame the speaker, we are likely to feel anger.
3. sense our own feelings and needs.
When receiving negative messages, our third option would be express our consciousness on our own feelings and needs. Thus, we might reply, “When I hear you say that I am the most self-centered person you’ve ever met, I feel hurt, because I need some recognition of my efforts to be considerate of your preferences.” By focusing attention on our own feelings and needs, we become conscious that our current feeling of hurt derives from a need for our efforts to be recognized.
4. sense others’ feelings and needs.
Finally, a fourth option on receiving a negative message is to shine the light of consciousness on the other person’s feelings and needs as they are currently expressed. We might for example ask, “Are you feeling hurt because you need more consideration for your preferences?”
We accept responsibility for our feelings, rather than blame other people, by acknowledging our own needs, desires, expectations, values, or thoughts. Note the difference between the following expressions of disappointment:
Example 1
A: “You disappointed me by not coming over last evening.”
B: “I was disappointed when you didn’t come over, because I wanted to talk over some things that were bothering me.”
Speaker A attributes responsibility for his disappointment solely to another person’s action. Speaker B traces his feeling of disappointment to his own unfulfilled desire.
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It is helpful to recognize a number of common speech patterns that tend to mask accountability for our own feelings:
Use of impersonal pronouns such as it and that: “It really infuriates me when spelling mistakes appear in our public brochures.” “That bugs me a lot.”
The use of the expression “I feel (an emotion) because … ” followed by a person or personal pronoun other than I: “I feel hurt because you said you don’t love me.” “I feel angry because the supervisor broke her promise.”
Statements that mention only the actions of others: “When you don’t call me on my birthday, I feel hurt.” “Mommy is disappointed when you don’t finish your food.”
In each of these instances, we can deepen our awareness of our own responsibility by connecting your feeling with your need: “I feel … because I need …”
“I feel really infuriated when spelling mistakes like that appear in our public brochures, because I want our company to project a professional image.”
“I feel angry that the supervisor broke her promise,because I was counting on getting that long weekend to visit my brother.”
“Mommy feels disappointed when you don’t finish your food, because I want you to grow up strong and healthy.”
The basic mechanism of motivating by guilt is to attribute the responsibility for one’s own feelings to others.
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When parents say, “It hurts Mommy and Daddy when you get poor grades at school,” they are implying that the child’s actions are the cause of the parents’ happiness or unhappiness. On the surface, taking responsibility for the feelings of others can easily be mistaken for positive caring. It may appear that the child cares for the parent and feels bad because the parent is suffering. However, if children who assume this kind of responsibility change their behavior in accordance with parental wishes, they are not acting from the heart, but acting to avoid guilt.
Distinguish between giving from the heart and being motivated by guilt.
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The Needs at the Roots of Feelings
Judgments, criticisms, diagnoses, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our needs. If someone says, “You never understand me,” they are really telling us that their need to be understood is not being fulfilled. If a wife says, “You’ve been working late every night this week; you love your work more than you love me,” she is saying that her need for intimacy is not being met.
Judgments of others are alienated expressions of our own unmet needs.
When we express our needs indirectly through the use of evaluations, interpretations, and images, others are likely to hear criticism. And when people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
If we express our needs, we have a better chance of getting them met.
Unfortunately, most of us have never been taught to think in terms of needs. We are accustomed to thinking about what’s wrong with other people when our needs aren’t being fulfilled. Thus, if we want coats to be hung up in the closet, we may characterize our children as lazy for leaving them on the couch. Or we may interpret our co-workers as irresponsible when they don’t go about their tasks the way we would prefer them to.
It has been my experience over and over again that from the moment people begin talking about what they need rather than what’s wrong with one another, the possibility of finding ways to meet everybody’s needs is greatly increased. The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:
Autonomy
to choose one’s goals, values
to choose one’s plan/strategy for fulfilling one’s goals, values
Celebration
to celebrate the goals achieved
to celebrate losses: loved ones, goals, etc. (mourning)
Integrity
authenticity
logic
self esteem
efficiency
wisdom
Interdependence
acceptance
appreciation
closeness
community
consideration
emotional safety
empathy
honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
respect
support
trust
understanding
warmth
Play
fun
laughter
Spiritual
aesthetic
intimacy
order
Physical Nurturance
air
food
movement, exercise
protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
rest
sexual expression
shelter
touch
water