abuse3

A verbal abuser will accuse his partner of some wrongdoing, blaming his partner for his anger, irritation, or insecurity.

Following are some abusive, accusing and blaming statements.

• You always have to have the last word.

• You’re just trying to pick a fight.

• You’re looking for trouble.

• You’re attacking me.

• You can’t leave well enough alone.

• I’ve had it with your attacks/bitching/complaining.

heres a common situation:

p1 is expressing their frustration with something in a neutral tone, having thought at the issue for a bit on their own.

p2 understands the situation and starts feeling frustrated, and expresses it emotionally.

p1 gets triggered and defensive, then p2 reacts to this as it no longer concerns the initial problem, thus being even more frustrated and lost. both started on the same page, and yet they ended up antagonistic.

how we are getting here?

hypothesis:

P1 values harmony above everything else. the need to maintain a positive emotional environment.

P2 values resolution above everything else. the need to fix the problem as efficiently as possible. they are ignorant to emotions although influenced by them.

note: p1 can be a more efficient problem solver than p2, and p2 can understand emotions better than p1.

whats the solution?

you might say p2 starts the conflict, but thats false, they are vulnerable by expressing their frustration towards the issue.

eg telling someone their loved pet died, and expecting them to have no emotional reaction.

p1 is the one that misreads p2 and escalates, they make an assumption that pushes them into a victim role.

does that make p1 more guilty? not really.

In a long term relationship its rather absurd for this to perpetuate, its torture, but people are lacking the concepts needed to understand.

Concept1

having the awareness to notice ones own emotional state and intensity as the others.

when presented with a stimulus, we will react emotionally, either externally or internally, either strong or weak. the difference between P1 and P2 is the intensity they view the problem. maybe P1 knew it beforehand, maybe they dont see it as important, while P2 just heard about it, and maybe they see it as huge.

Concept2

understanding that there are always two conflicts, one that's factual, dealing with concrete ideas, and on thats emotional, which by many is seen unapproachable and impossible to figure out. The conflict of "i dont feel the same thing, why aren't we feeling the same thing?"

which is even more triggering when the emotional state of the other is in direct conflict with your rational conclusion.

Concept3

having the vulnerability and understanding the importance of asking :

P2 : why are you so calm about this ?

P1 : why are you so agitated by this ?

Concept4

by expressing yourself as clearly as possible, you will gain control over your emotions and liberate your mind to better analyze the situation.

Concept5

understanding that intimacy is essential, and the priority is understanding one another. If that is lost, everything gets corrupted.

--

—-oooO—-

—-(—)—-

—–\–(–

——\_)-

———–Oooo—

———–(—-)—

————)–/—-

————(_/-

—-oooO—-

—-(—)—-

—–\–(–

——\_)-